A Truth to Lose
by Lua under water
Summary: Sixth year, lies, promises, pretenses, teenagerhood. RemusxSirius.
1. Collision

_A Truth to Lose_

_"I was also playing with that intolerance when I created Professor Lupin, who has a condition which is contagious, of course, and so people are very frightened of him; and I really like Professor Lupin as a character because he's someone that also has a failing, because although he is a wonderful teacher (one I myself would have liked to have had as a teacher) and a wonderful man, he does like to be liked and that's where he slips up. He's been disliked so often that he's always so pleased to have friends, so he cuts them an awful lot of slack."_

--**JKR**

Part One: Collision

The sky was pouring out on everyone's heads in raindrops, leaking out from sweeping grey clouds above them. The downpour had lasted for the last three days, hardly ceasing, pumping the air with moisture and creating a layer of dampness that settled on everything in the vicinity. Students took shelter under a covered veranda, or they hurried across the courtyard with their cloaks held up over their heads to keep off the water, and there was even a few foolish first-or-second-years playing in it, letting the water drip over their faces and drench their cloaks. Remus Lupin watched it all from where he leaned against a wall on the promenade, his hair and robes slightly damp from all the rain, arms crossed over his chest.

It was the first week back from winter holidays, which he'd spent at Hogwarts due to his family's decision to spend Christmas at some godforsaken desert island in the middle of nowhere. His mother, her background from some warmer climate, was forever complaining about the perpetual dampness and poor weather of where they lived, and every so often the rest of the family would give in to her wishes and spend a while at some tropical climate. This time, Remus declined; he didn't mind rain and cold, he liked it actually, and things would be easier if he stayed at Hogwarts. He had a lot on his mind lately, and spending a few weeks in the dry, dusty heat with his fond but admittedly nosy family would do no help.

The only downside was the lack of company. Remus sighed; his friends had all gone their separate ways, mostly. James always spent the holidays with his family and Sirius, as he had the last few Christmases, had gone with him. They'd invited him along this time but he'd politely declined; he had no wish to impose on the Potters' hospitality, however tempting the invitation was. Although the thought of James and Sirius in that situation sent flutters of a bad feeling through Remus' body, he was grateful for the time he had without them constantly by his side, to think everything over. He did, of course, still have Peter around, who was becoming steadily more of a nuisance than a friend. He really had no idea why James and Sirius let Peter tag along everywhere, but Remus suspected James just enjoyed the constant, adoring attention he received from Peter, and Sirius just thought the whole thing hilarious. That was just like Sirius, easily amused, with his cynical sense of humour. That thought now occupying his mind, Remus frowned slightly and concentrated. Sirius…

"Don't you love rain?" The cheerful, girlish voice dragging his concentration elsewhere, Remus met the wide blue eyes of the small girl standing beside him.

"Hello Ophelia," he said with a smile. Remus was rather fond of Ophelia.

"Lovely day to you. This is just the perfect weather to welcome us back to Hogwarts, don't you think?"

"Undoubtedly. How was your holiday?"

She shrugged. "Nothing out of the ordinary. Got a rather exciting tea kettle that keeps your tea hot all the time, though. What will they think of next, you know? But how was yours?"

"Uneventful. Been really quiet this time, a lot more students went to stay with their families than usually do."

"Yeah, seemed that way." Ophelia brushed back the dark hair that framed her face and bit her lip, betraying her nervousness. "You haven't seen Sirius around lately, have you? Has he gotten back yet?"

"I don't think so," Remus replied with a shake of his head. He'd suspected this was the reason she'd struck up conversation. "He's supposed to get back today though, any time now."

"Oh. Well, thanks for your time. I'll see you around, Remus."

He watched her go, girlishly small figure moving off with long dark hair swinging behind her. Ophelia was one of many girls hopelessly infatuated with Sirius but doubtlessly she stood out from the rest. She was quick-minded and clever, and could often match Sirius in a battle of wits, with enough sharp retorts and sarcastic remarks to keep the banter going. It was always good entertainment to watch the two of them go back and forth: it never got old and it was a game they never tired of. Though there were countless jokes made about them (the Maurauders especially liked to tease Sirius about her), it was difficult to tell whether it was going anywhere. There was an explanation for Sirius' obvious flirtations when he was around her—he'd always find some excuse to grab her hand, or touch her hair or face, or stand so near to her it was impossible not to make contact—or the way he'd watch her lingeringly when she walked off, decisiveness in his eyes as they studied how her lovely hair caught the light in motion. But then the next minute he'd be denying every playful remark about the two of them that was directed at him, and going off to flirt with some other beauty. That was what Remus had come to hate in the past few months. He understood Sirius' reluctance to tie himself down to one girl, but it was so infuriating sometimes. Remus rarely showed how annoyed he was with his friend's quality, though, Sirius was his best friend, someone he didn't want to lose, especially over a petty annoyance. But Remus would be perfectly tolerant if Sirius ever wanted to settle on someone, of course…

He was mulling over everything on his mind when all of a sudden a slim, lithe figure leaned against the wall beside him, the smooth movements and flicking of long black hair all too familiar. "What are you watching so intently? Has a foxy wolverine finally caught Moony's eye?"

Remus let a smile spread to his face. "Very funny. You know I wouldn't dare do anything without you around to give me advice and stop me from doing something stupid."

"And how right you are." Sirius assumed his usual haughty stance, head tilted slightly, leaning beside Remus. Their shoulders were barely touching. "You look a bit peaky."

"Full moon's coming up, isn't it?"

"Excellent." Sirius grinned, that familiar twinkling. "I was wondering when we'd get some more excitement."

"You just spent the holidays with James!"

"Oh yes, and there's just loads of mischief to get into when you're surrounded by doting grandparents and great-aunts and great-uncles and screaming children." Sirius shook his head to get his hair out of his face just as two girls walked by, who darted glances at him, then quickly looked straight ahead again to pretend they hadn't seen him notice them. "Thought I did find out James has a second cousin who's _beyond _lovely and most fascinating to listen to."

_Of **course** you were listening_. Remus didn't even want to ask. "And where's James?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Hanging around Evans, as usual. He's tried to make friends with her best friend Camille in hopes she'll notice him a bit more. If anything hanging around Evans' best friend is a really dim-witted thing to do, he's just making everything worse. But he never listens to me."

That wasn't true, Remus thought, James listened to every word out of Sirius' mouth and did whatever Sirius wanted, but then again, Sirius was probably getting increasingly jealous of the attention James lavished on Lily Evans.

Sirius switched tactics suddenly. "Seen my blue-eyed beauty anywhere?"

"She was just looking for you," Remus replied. "Waiting eagerly for you to get back to spend every waking moment flirting with her."

Sirius chuckled, showing the dimple that always appeared when he smiled. Remus had heard girls fawn over that dimple, he rather liked it himself. "Come now, I can't do that. I have to divide my attention equally. It would be very wrong for me to spend more time with Ophelia than Jenna or Eleanor." Suddenly straightening up, he turned to Remus. "Come on, Moony, let's take a walk. You know I hate standing still."

Compliantly, Remus followed Sirius as they threaded their way through the crowd of students who had returned from their holiday and were all gathered under the walkway to get out of the rain. Sirius let the way, pushing past everyone and sending smiles and shouting greetings to people he knew. Remus followed closely, his eyes on the back of Sirius' head.

Once they were past the throng of students, Sirius and Remus had gotten a far way off, walking the nearly empty corridors of Hogwarts. Classes didn't resume till the next day, so the students were all gathered in the courtyard to greet each other or in their common rooms, settling back in and catching up. The two of them strode through the corridor alongside the long windows that stretched the length of the hallway, letting in the bleak light as raindrops pattered on the glass panes.

"Same as always," Sirius sighed, pausing a moment to stare out the window. Remus allowed himself a moment to study Sirius' distant gaze, those indifferent grey eyes half-obscured by flops of hair that fell into Sirius' face in an effortless manner he was sure many envied.

But it was not the same, Remus thought to himself. Times were changing. James was getting closer than ever to attaining Lily Evans, a goal he'd worked at for years, and he had sparing time for other things. Sirius, in an attempt to get back at him, was spending more time with his female admirers. The rift between the two friends was steadily gaping wider and wider, and Remus hadn't the slightest idea what to do about it. In a way, he enjoyed having Sirius to himself more, but it wasn't the same, Sirius was getting more moody and detached…

"So how were the holidays, really?" Remus asked. When he got Sirius on his own, they were more open about things. "And James?"

It took a moment for Sirius to snap out of his reverie, and he released another sigh and resumed walking, with Remus beside him. "He's not as much fun anymore. Evans is taming him somehow; his only thought, waking or sleeping, is about her."

"I don't suppose he can help that much," Remus mused carefully, watching Sirius' stormy grey eyes with his own.

Sirius made a frustrated noise. "Maybe not, but he doesn't realise how annoying he's being. We used to do everything together, now it's all about impressing Evans, or seeing what Evans is up to, and the things he says about her…"

Remus hadn't realised things had gotten this bad between the two of them. James and Sirius were inseparable—if Peter was the anxious, weak one in their group of friends, and Remus was more careful, more wary, James and Sirius were like twins. Both friendly and funny, with a touch of sarcasm and cynical humour and the slightest, tolerable signs of arrogance. Self-confident, admired by everyone for their talent for mischief. And Remus had always thought another similarity was their interest in girls—James with Lily Evans, and Sirius with any pretty lady who caught his eye for long enough. Apparently it wasn't quite like that.

"We've always put up with his Evans-fixation before," Remus pointed out.

"I know, I know, but it's different now." Sirius had still not met Remus' eyes. "I just want him back to normal. I don't want her to like him, really. We'd see even less of him."

"That's not true," Remus said softly. "You're his best friend in the world, Sirius. No girl, even not Lily Evans, would get between you, even if you think that's what's happening, James just needs to snap out of it, and he will. Give it some time."

"I don't want to give him time," Sirius snapped. "He's an obsessive git and no amount of time will fix that."

"What about killing Evans?" Remus asked with a quirk of his lips.

Sirius smiled at Remus' attempts at light-heartedness. "Nah, he'd hate us to death."

"What if Evans started going out with Snivellus?" Remus suggested. Sirius burst out in laughter and Remus, encouraged, added, "Better yet, we could get James to like boys instead."

"Ha! James Potter, like boys? I think not."

The discussion of possibilities to get James over Evans lasted them for a long time, then Sirius spotted a door that led to an outside parapet. He and Remus wandered out there, to get some fresh air, but by the time they'd gotten sufficiently damp from the rainfall and wanted to go back inside, the door had jammed.

Sirius swore under his breath and shook the door. "It won't open. Oh, hell, is this the door that locks behind you everytime you close it?"

"Probably. We'll be stuck out here for a while, till someone else comes along."

"And they're all in the common room or outside. Bloody hell." Sirius cast a baleful look up at the pouring sky. Rain had plastered his dark hair against his skin, and dripped from his clothes. "Well, as long as we're out here…"

"Sirius," Remus said suddenly, as a thought occurred to him. "What about Ophelia?"

Sirius looked at him suspiciously. "What about her?"

"Well…" Remus couldn't find the exact words he wanted. "You are…fond of her, aren't you?"

Sirius let out a short bark of laughter. " 'Course I am. Think I might've made her friend Alis a bit angry with me by paying more attention to Ophelia, but she's a good friend."

"Friend…" Remus repeated. "Well…"

Now fully suspicious, Sirius glanced over at him. "_What _are you getting at Remus? Get to the point."

Knowing full well that Sirius knew what he was "getting at", Remus went on. "She likes you a lot, you know."

"Yeah, I know."

Remus waited a bit then said, "And?"

Sirius shrugged and said nothing.

Unsatisfied but unwilling to press his friend any further, Remus turned away and leaned his elbows against the stone enclosure. He looked out moodily over the rain steadily falling over the gloomy landscape. He let the tense silence drag on as it would, until he heard and felt Sirius step closer to him. "Remus…" Not facing his friend, Remus recognized the use of his name, not "Moony" or "Lupin" as Sirius usually called him.

Not daring to face the emotion in those grey eyes, Remus refused to look at him. Sirius sighed and leaned on the rampart next to his friend, tilting his head to look into Remus' eyes. "Please? Remus?"

He _hated_ it when Sirius called him that. Only because he loved it. Too much.

"Remus, what's wrong?" Sirius was not comfortable with showing too much emotion or concern with his friends. It wasn't really something he did. Remus knew he must be really concerned to be risking his nonchalant, self-assured exterior, even with his closest friend.

_What's wrong? What **is**__wrong with you, Remus Lupin?_

He was afraid even to open his mouth, because if he did, he would say too much, words that needed to remain silent. If he kept them in long enough, maybe they would wither away and die and he would not need to worry over them any longer. There were so many words, only a few of which could ruin him and Sirius forever.

If he'd wanted to say something, he should have said it the first day, in his first year at Hogwarts, he'd noticed the small boy with dark hair and glimmerings of mischief in his light grey eyes, who'd been his protection from then on, whose quick wit and confidence had so many times balanced with Remus' shyness, his vulnerablility. He'd been so grateful to Sirius and James for befriending him at first he would have done anything for them.

If he'd wanted to say something, he should have said it the first time he began to notice all the small things—brushing hands on "accident," all the times they'd gotten in trouble together, midnight conversations, girl troubles, the times he'd been staring and hoped he would never get caught. There was always a tiny voice in his heart telling him "yes" that could never outweight the voices clamouring "No" in his head…

If he'd wanted to say something, now was not the time, too many emotions and boundaries had been built and established so firmly, there was no going back…

If either Sirius or Remus had been afraid that after this moment, things would change indefinitely, that things would never be normal again, that once the line was crossed they could never pretend it hadn't been, it was inconsequential.

It seemed like a foolish thing but he wasn't sure who moved first, him or Sirius, but the next moment they were crushed together, tongues parting lips, hands moving hesitantly to touch and stroke, fingers tangled in each other's rain-soaked hair…

The rain beat down on the two figures so closely locked together, their lips tasting of damp air and rainwater and guilt.

It seemed like they were flying miles together, heartbeats pounding faster than fear or anger could effect, before the pounding against the other side of the door shook them from the sky.

"Sirius? Remus?" Peter's thin, nervous voice called anxiously from inside.

They sprang apart as if an electric current had lurched through them both. The door swung open revealing Peter, who was nervously twisting his hands together. If he noticed any signs of heavy breathing or shock on their faces, he was too preoccupied to think about it.

"I've been looking for you for ages…It's awful, you've got to come quickly, something's happened to James…"

Without a further word or glance at each other, the three of them set off sprinting down the corridor to the Gryffindor Common Room.

:III:

**Author's Note**: Well, I am quite proud of this fic, if I do say so myself. It –probably- won't go on too much longer, but expect the second chapter sometime this weekend, or the week after (I've got off school). And, well, not much to say about this. don't like, don't read, don't flame unless you've got something to criticise about the style or likewise. Then do let me know (kindly, if you please). I'm sort of looking for an editor/beta, since I've got two reading over it already but they're my friends and they might not catch everything…so let me know if you're interested and I'll see. Till then, drop a review:)


	2. Aimless in Wonder

**A/N:** I really wish RemusxSirius slash was a baseball bat I could hit people with. Or the bird flu so everyone would catch it :) and there's my deep thought for the day. Enjoy.

Chapter Two: Aimless in Wonder

_The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun_

_And I knew no words to share with anyone _

_The boundaries of language I quietly cursed _

_And all the different names for the same thing _

_There are different names for the same things_

-- Death Cab for Cutie

"I'm a git," James said morosely, his head buried in his hands. "I'm hopeless. I'm worthless." 

"Witless wonder," Sirius agreed before Remus elbowed him in the chest.

Peter waited in anxious silence, looking as if it was only Sirius' stern glare that kept him from an outburst of panic. As Remus waited for James to offer a kind of explanation, he noted Sirius' expression—it hung somewhere between the balance of bored and angry, and intent. Oh, the tension, the tension.

There was a long pause during which the only sound was Peter's loud, rattling breathing. After this passed, James spoke again, his words muffled by his hands.

"It's over. I killed it."

"Killed what?" Sirius asked abruptly, not following his train of thought.

James slowly lifted his head and stared at Sirius in unabashed dismay. "My chance with Lily! It's gone, I ruined it! For good."

"What did you do?" Remus questioned, beginning to get a little impatient with his friend's dramatics. There was an ever-increasing amount of these ever since Lily had begun to show the _slightest _signs of returning James' affection. (These signs were usually translated from, say, Lily not walking off as soon as he approached her and opened his mouth, or the shocking fact that when he told her one day that she looked pretty, she didn't slap him immediately, but gave a slight smile and thanked him. This was most encouraging to James.)

"I didn't meant to, I swear!" James suddenly jumped to his feet and paced back and forth. "Well, I keep talking to Camille, hoping she'll put in a good word for me, you know? And that Lily might pay a bit more attention to me? Well…now Camille—"

"—wants to go out with you, and Lily's probably encouraging her," Sirius finished, a glint in his eyes. "I _warned _you, James, I knew something like this would happen. Now you've really ruined your chance—"

"Yeah, you think I don't know that?" James demanded angrily. "It's not even my fault!"

"Really? Two minutes ago you were a 'worthless git' and now it's not your fault?"

James seemed to react less than kindly to this. "Well what would you know?"

"I'm the one who _told _you it was a bad idea," Sirius pointed out through clenched teeth. "But you didn't listen."

"Because you don't know anything about this!"

"Oh, and you do? Don't you think if you did, you'd already have Lily, instead of spending three years pining?" said Sirius.

Something in James snapped then. "You don't know what you're talking about! Just because the only feelings you ever have for girls is when their lips are glued to yours—"

The next second, Sirius' wand was drawn and pointed straight at James' chest. Half-shocked and half-disbelieving, James collapsed back into his chair, staring apprehensively at the wand aimed at him.

Sirius' face was set and his eyes blazed with a rage Remus recognised as being nearly the full extent of his fury. "Don't you dare say another _word_. You're an overblown idiot obsessed with a girl you'll never get, and the rest of us are sick of it. Get over her, and get over yourself."

With that, he stormed away into the dormitory, leaving James slumped over in his chair, and Remus and Peter shocked into silence.

Peter was the first to speak. "Well," he said nervously. "Don't think he took that well."

James let out a little moan and buried his head in his hands again, slumped over near the fire. Peter cast an anxious glance at him, then retreated into the dormitory, no doubt to discuss things with Sirius.

Remus, however, stayed with James in the common room, taking a seat by the fire on the floor beside his friend. He waited a few moments until James lifted his head and met his gaze evenly.

"He really does care, you know," Remus said quietly.

James snorted. "About himself, you mean. He doesn't understand how important Lily is to me."

"More important than he is?" said Remus. James was silent at this for a while, then said, "He doesn't understand how it is to have fallen so hard. No one does."

Unbidden, images of long dark hair falling into obscure grey eyes nagged at Remus' mind. He shoved those thoughts away and replied, "He just misses the way things were."

"Why doesn't he say that?" said James, frustrated.

Remus laughed dryly. "Come on, Sirius doesn't say what's really on his mind. He has to maintain that aloof, indifferent exterior. When something really bothers him, he ignores it for a while, then explodes with no warning."

James gave a weak smile. "That's Padfoot, all right."

"He…" Remus paused, his brow furrowed in thought. "He wants you to himself again, I guess you could say."

"Well, he isn't my girlfriend," James retorted indignantly. "I obviously can't give him that kind of attention."

Remus did not say a word, but rose smoothly and gazed out the rain-streaked window. Thunder shook in the distance. "No. Of course you can't."

_Some things aren't right_, he told himself as lightning left a brilliant trace in the dark sky.

:III:

The three of them saw very little of Sirius the whole next day, and Remus was unsurprised to find him enjoying the company of little Ophelia and a few other girls who'd gathered around them. This was normal; Sirius tended to attract attention, particularly from females. They tended to flock to wherever he was. He could probably walk off a cliff with his followers eagerly pursuing him without faltering.

James' response to this was merely to put himself in an "off" mood, refusing to speak and glaring at nothing and no one in particular. Later on, when they were walking past Lily and Camille in hopes that James could get a chance to talk to Lily, Lily whispered something to Camille, pushed her in James' direction, and hurried off before he could pursue her. They were trapped in a fifteen-minute-long discussion with Camille about her hairstyle and what new dressrobes she wanted to buy before James and Remus could escape, and Prongs was in a worse mood than ever afterwards, which did nothing to improve Remus' day either.

While headed back to the common room with James after a hard day's work, Remus noticed Sirius and Ophelia deep in conversation, her head bent forward to listen to what he was saying so that a long curtain of dark hair swung and hid her face, though doubtlessly she wore a smile similar to the adoring expression James wore when he looked at Lily. James pointedly ignored these two and dragged Remus past them, scarcely allowing him a glance in their direction.

Later that evening in the common room, Remus went up to the boys' dormitory in hopes it would be empty, so he could escape the noise and bustle of the study group downstairs. He had just perched on the edge of his bed, looking outside at the cloudy starlight, when a sudden voice from the other side of the room spoke up.

"I want to cut my hair."

"Don't." Remus turned to Sirius standing before a mirror, studying his reflection critically, running his fingers through the longish hair that framed his excruciatingly handsome features. The long nose, refined brow, prominent cheekbones. Sirius was among the most good-looking boys at Hogwarts: even the confident swagger of his walk and the ease with which he carried himself added to this. Girls watched him wherever he went: whether it was laying lazily in the grass with his fellow Marauders, or getting into some kind of trouble with James, having noisy conversations with James while others were trying to study (which earned them a few glares and more than a few wistful glances), watching James play Quidditch…

It seemed it was always about James.

"I don't like it this long," Sirius remarked with a slight frown.

"I do." Remus settled back on his bed, legs stretched out in front of him, leaning against the headboard.

Sirius combed through his hair again, pushing it back. "You can't see my face."

Remus let his head drop back and closed his eyes. "You sound like a girl."

It was a matter of seconds before a pillow whizzed across the room with alarming speed and force and smacked Remus in the face. He sputtered in surprise, robbed of the sheer split second he had to prepare before Sirius hurled into him, tickling him mercilessly until he gasped for breath, tears running from his eyes, and begged for Sirius to take pity. Sirius finally let off, and stretched out on the bed beside Remus, thoughtfully gazing into the distance.

"Ophelia likes it short," he said after a long pause.

Remus could not disguise his grin. "Sirius and Lover Girl," he teased.

"Shut up," Sirius growled.

"I find it funny how normally, when we make fun of you and a girl, you find all these excuses about why you don't like her, but when it's Ophelia, the only miraculously witty remark you manage to come up with is 'shut up'—"

Sirius hit Remus in the chest, and that resolved that discussion.

A comfortable silence ensued, leaving both to their own separate thoughts. Remus glanced at Sirius and found his eyes were closed lightly, though he knew Sirius was awake still. He found himself wondering what things would be like if Sirius and Ophelia were a couple. A feeling in the pit of his stomach clenched and hoped that it would not happen for a very long time.

He remembered back in their third year, after Sirius had kissed his first crush, when the two boys swore that whenever something happened with a girl, they would tell each other everything about it, for the other's benefit and education. Well, that promise had started to unwind back in fifth year, when Sirius was doing indecent things with his current girlfriend for a month before Remus got wind of it—from Peter. This had sparked a feud that lasted three whole weeks, the entire extent of which Remus spent miserably lonely, spending time with James and Wormtail only to discover they could not begin to compare to Sirius' company. From that time on, they mostly avoided talks about girls and relationships (with the exception of Lily and James, who were the constant point of gossip among all Gryffindors, and just another good reason to give James grief, for the Marauders). And there was not much to talk about anyway. Sirius rarely had a steady sweetheart; he preferred to do what he liked with girls without worrying about them getting angry for his disinterest or frequent flirtations. As for Remus, except for the rare, occasional failed romance with someone he'd never really been interested in at all in the first place, he lacked Sirius' charm and ease with girls, so he concentrated on other things.

It was not a comfortable topic at all. The Marauders weren't often serious about girls to have entire conversations about it, nor was it a _safe _topic, after fourth year when Sirius had "stolen" the girl Peter had a crush on recently after he confided this to his friends, just to "see if he could". Evans and Potter, to the Marauders, existed purely for their enjoyment—it was only a good day if Lily had slapped James or called him a "self-obsessed twit". Peter had the occasional girlfriend, somehow always from Hufflepuff, but he was so twitchy about it, they could never get him to tell them much. (That and the mere idea of Wormtail sticking his slippery, slimy tongue in some poor girl's mouth was enough to make the rest of them shudder.) Sirius always had several girls going at once, not an official "relationship" but what he liked to call "flings, they're just relationships without all the pain and complications", and he rarely told them anything about these girls besides how he liked the way they looked or the things they did when with him.

Remus thought back to a time, before their fifth year, when Sirius would come sit on his bed every night—only after they were certain the others were asleep—and they would talk for hours. Mostly they talked about foolish things, strange ideas or idealistic dreams of the future that their older selves would scoff at now. Remus liked listening to the steady rise and fall of Sirius' voice as he whispered something about what a git Snivellus was to have hexed Remus that morning, he only ever dared to do anything when the teachers weren't looking, and that poor Sophia he was always hanging around, he bet she was right sick of never being able to get rid of Snape's stink or greasiness; or how James had annoyed him earlier in the day when Sirius wanted to play Exploding Snap but James stubbornly refused in favour of spending the day playing Quidditch, Remus was such a good mate for taking James' place, sometimes the only things James ever cared about were himself and Quidditch… Remus liked feeling important, liked the feeling of Sirius' warm arm creeping around his shoulders and squeezing as he whispered, "You know, you're the only one I can talk to like this." He liked the nights when they were too tired and simply fell asleep in the same bed, the space too small and so their limbs ended up tangled and sweaty, although Sirius would always wake during the night and move back to his own bed. Remus remembered one night when Sirius did not crawl into his bed; he'd been concerned and rose to check on Sirius, only to discover his bed was empty. He learned later from James that Sirius had sneaked out to see a girl. That was when the late-night confessions ceased.

He even missed the days of last year, early June heat, the crickets trilling noisily as the twilight settled, with little distinction between the temperature of the day and the night. James and Peter would go in early: James to get rest for the Quidditch match the next day, and Peter because he followed James everywhere, and there was always this perception about Remus and Sirius that they were pulled into the same space as often as possible and didn't mind being alone with each other. They would lie on their backs, the grass tickling their necks, and they didn't need to say anything. One of the things they appreciated in each other's company then was that there was no pressing need to ask questions, to even speak at all, or try to understand. They'd achieved a sort of silent communication where it helped just to know that someone was laying beside you and cared about you enough to stay.

He missed the days of those things being all right, still, not wrong or suspicious or perplexing.

But most of all he missed the days before Lily Evans, before Ophelia and the other girls, before he had to compete for anyone's attention.

Remus turned his head, the slightest motion, to look at Sirius, who felt the movement and lazily opened his eyes and raised his eyebrows. Wondering where to start, Remus wished he didn't have to say anything at all, that things were back like the old days where a touch on the hand or a tiny half-smile would communicate thoughts and feelings. But he spoke anyway, because these things weren't enough.

"Look, yesterday—"

Sirius cut him off abruptly by waving his hand. "Lupin…it was…I don't know. It was nothing." He paused, briefly. "I'm not…like that."

"Oh." Remus dropped his eyes. "Yes, I know…I didn't think…or anything…you were…"

"Forget it," said Sirius with a nod.

Remus recognised from his tone that he meant _I'm trying to forget about it, so please don't ever mention it again after this_. With another pinprick he realised he never knew what Sirius was thinking anymore, whether he was feeling as confused and inside-out and mixed-up as Remus was feeling at that moment. Clouded grey eyes revealed nothing but a sudden urge to leave the room, leave the stillness and the tension that had never existed before.

"I'm going to go talk to James," said Sirius, jumping up. "I hate when we aren't talking."

Wordlessly Remus watched his friend leave the room, taking his warmth with him. Feeling a few lingering vestiges of disappointment, he wondered if Sirius could possibly feel the same things, looking into lively hazel eyes and an untamable mess of black hair, that he did about those obscure grey eyes, short barking laughter, the way a long-fingered hand would slide around his neck when he got nervous.

_Some things aren't right_. He repeated that to himself until he was drowsy, then climbed into bed to sleep, but as he drifted off he was certain he never managed to convince himself.


	3. Fleeting Solace

**A/N: **Reviews make me happy. If you liked this, review. But I shan't annoy you further by badgering, so go on, read the story.

Chapter Three: Fleeting Solace

_The grave that you refuse to leave_

_The refuge that you've built to flee_

_The places that you've come to fear the most_

_It's the place that you have come to fear the most_

_Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself_

_And hidden in the public eye_

_Such a stellar monument to loneliness_

-- Dashboard Confessional

"Loony loopy Lupin," Peter crowed early the next morning, filled with so much inexplicable energy that he was fairly bouncing off the walls.

James, who had a fierce headache, groaned and pushed himself up on his elbows. "Why is he out of bed so early and why won't he leave the rest of us alone?" he demanded.

Remus' eyes fluttered open slowly and the first thing they focused on was Peter's plump, mousy face hovering right above his as Wormtail exclaimed loudly, _"Loony loopy Lupin!"_

"I haven't heard him call you that since—"

"The last time we tested an Essence of Euphoria potion on him, yes, I remember," Remus said dryly. "And I've got a feeling Jayson and Patrick were feeling vindictive towards us all after that prank you and Sirius pulled on them last week, with the fire ants."

The ghost of a grin flitted over James' sleepy features at this evidently amusing memory. Remus yawned, stretched, and sat up in bed as Peter bounced around the room, humming to himself. "Who would bother getting up this early to get Wormtail to drink it?"

Remus shrugged; he had no memory of Peter ever waking early and consuming a cup of morning tea, it was a possibility to explore some other day when there wasn't a painfully cheerful Peter Pettigrew zooming around the room. Running his fingers through his hair to tame it, Remus glanced over at Sirius, who was still sleeping soundly, sprawled on his bed. He had apparently gotten too warm during the night, because his nightshirt had been discarded and the sheets were twisted around his legs, so that much of his lean, nicely toned chest was in clear sight. Remus looked away automatically and instead reached for a pillow and tossed it at his sleeping friend. Sirius groaned and batted it away.

"I had a dream I was a girl," Sirius moaned sleepily, his eyes still shut.

"Really? What was it like?" inquired Peter.

"Well, have you ever snogged a man?" Sirius asked irritably, sitting up to glare at Peter.

"No, can't say I have."

Remus thought he was imagining it, or did Sirius really dart a secretive little half-smile at him?

"I'm going do it today, mates," James said all of a sudden in perfect seriousness.

"Do what, snog a man?" Sirius asked as he yawned.

"No." James was so stubborn he scarcely noticed the jab. "I'm going to ask out Lily Evans."

Sirius rolled his eyes dramatically and settled back down in bed. "Like we all don't know what's going to happen."

"How many times you been refused, Prongs? Fifteen?" Remus spoke up.

"Score's twenty-three and one-half," Peter piped up.

James scowled. "Something could be different now."

"Oh yeah, maybe Evans just happened to accidentally have a Confundus charm performed on her this morning and she'll actually say yes!"

Several pillows went hurtling across the room and all hit Sirius at once, and from then on it was utter chaos until they went down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

:III:

Sirius and James discussed strategies all day for the fearful and somewhat predictable event of James Potter Asking Out the Unattainable Lily Evans, while Peter contributed his vexatious excitement and nearly died from laughter each time Sirius made fun of James. Remus took all of this rather quietly, keeping his own thoughts to himself.

The entire day passed before Sirius declared James ready to "go forth and aggravate—I mean, _woo_ the lady." A few of the students were spending the evening outside, enjoying the cool weather that came after the rain, and Lily and her friend Camille were among these. So the Marauders took their usual place under the oak tree, in clear sight of Evans, and waited a few minutes before they sent James over to talk to Lily.

"Do you suppose he has any hope?" Peter asked, jittery half with nervousness and half with excitement.

"I don't think he'll come out of this any better unless Evans jinxes all his hair off," Sirius offered, lazily leaned up against the oak tree. He absently lifted his hand up and ran it through his hair, then let it drop, accidentally perhaps, where it landed right beside Remus' hand. Remus spent at least five minutes wondering whether this was accidental or purposeful, and came to a somewhat baffled conclusion when Sirius' fingers gently stroked his, out of view of everyone else.

If anyone ever had any misplaced thoughts about the close bond of the Marauders, it was never said to their faces, but then again, nearly everyone was the brunt of those kind of jokes. Remus could not remember a single incident when these jokes had actually proved true, perhaps once or twice the students had made an outcast of two boys who spent too much time with one another and not with anyone of the opposite sex, but he really had no way of proving those suspicions had been right. He'd never had a "talk" about that kind of thing with his parents, although there had always been something unusual about his Uncle Mattias, his clothes, the way he acted and spoke, or how his relatives always spoke so disapprovingly about him, like they were trying to warn Remus against this way of living. It was so taken for granted that he would grow up a perfectly normal boy, with perfectly normal urges and perfectly normal notions.

It was beginning to drive Remus' poor teenaged mind to utter madness. He couldn't draw a single lucid thought out of the muddle they had been reduced to recently. His senses were blurring with memories, confusion, all these complicated signs he was reading from the simplest of gestures—or were they so simple after all? He didn't want to end up broken and alone like his heart told him he would if he kept ignoring this monster, the one that tore at his consciousness all day and was only ever satisfied when he allowed himself these fantasies, these shreds of dream that his future could not _possibly_ hold.

_I'm not like that, Remus_.

Back in the present, Remus realised the excruciatingly chipper Peter had taken now to analysing every observation he could draw from what was happening around Lily, James, and Camille. Sirius rolled his eyes and he rose up suddenly, moving away from the now overrun courtyard. Remus rose and followed him back into the castle, trotting to keep up with Sirius' long stride.

"Where are you going?" he called.

Sirius turned abruptly in surprise. "Oh, I don't know, actually. I was beginning to lose my mind after listening to Peter prattling on and on."

Remus nodded and fell in beside Sirius, whose dark hair had fallen into his eyes again and screened his features. They walked in mutual silence for a while, then Sirius halted at once. "Would you…d'you mind if I go see Ophelia?"

Remus was surprised, not at his words, but the hesitant tone of voice and the fact that it seemed like Sirius was asking permission, not notifying. "Er, allright. I've got some studying to catch up on anyways."

"Good." Sirius nodded. "I'll see you later."

This time, Remus carried on straight ahead without Sirius, not even looking back to watch him go.

:III:

Feeling isolated once more, Remus wandered around for a while. Then, frustrated with the lack of something to do, he resorted to going back to the dormitory and studying. One of the few things he could do without people being suspicious or having to worry about everyone else. He was just beginning to feel the creeping signs of drowsiness when he was jerked to attention by hushed voices coming from the common room. Creeping silently down the stairway, Remus paused behind the doorway, safely hidden in the shadows, and sneaked a glance.

Sirius and Ophelia were sitting down there, and Remus blinked, noticing the way the firelight lit Sirius' handsome features and pooled in deep grey eyes. Doubtlessly, Ophelia too was mesmerised by this effect; she could not remove her eyes from Sirius' face. Remus gave his head a tiny shake to clear his thoughts and listening to the words they were saying.

"…bit hopeless, if you ask me," Sirius was saying with a slight smile. "Evans isn't interested in him."

Ophelia returned the smile warmly, clearly and obviously smitten. The power of that dimple, thought Remus, shaking his head. "I don't think it's like that. I think she really secretly likes him, but she's trying not to show it."

"Ah well. Either way, even if she does say yes, who can say they'll both survive being in each other's company that much?"

Ophelia laughed appreciatively. "And what about you, Black? Any thoughts of going steady with anyone?"

Sirius laughed and scoffed at the idea, but Remus noticed he never met Ophelia's eyes. "Not really. I'm having too much fun, and relationships make me feel _old_."

"Ah well," she said dismissively, "it would be one very lucky girl who got the same amount of attention from you that you give to your friends, Potter and Remus and Pettigrew."

There was a tiny, almost imperceptible change in Sirius' face: the slightest trace of suspicion. "And what's that mean?" His voice was polite and unfathomable.

"Nothing, of course," was her quick reply, her voice still light and careless, although Remus was guessing she, one of many, was jealous that no girl could ever manage the task of measuring up to the closeness the Marauders shared with only one another. "You're just all so close. Peter's never seen without you lot. And you and James are inseparable."

"James, of course." To Remus, Sirius' offhand laugh seemed a bit cynical. "Not lately, with every single brain cell his tiny head can hold concentrated on Evans."

"Well, still. And you and Remus mean quite a lot to each other."

There was a tiny pause, during which Remus suspected Sirius was struggling not to overreact. "Yeah…I suppose so."

"He's a very nice person to be around," Ophelia reflected.

"Yeah, of course. Good mate."

There was another unpenetrable silence, then Ophelia offered an apology. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I didn't mean anything by it."

Sirius made a dismissive noise. "Of course, I know." He obviously wanted to avoid any other chance of happening upon this subject, so he moved closer to Ophelia and touched her hand, stroking it slightly. "You have really lovely hands, you know."

Remus looked down at his own hands, too large and marred with callouses and scrapes, and imagined if they were soft and smooth and delicate like Ophelia's, would Sirius hold them grasped tenderly in his own as he held hers now? If Remus achieved that perfect balance of wry amusement and light-hearted derision in his own laugh, would Sirius work as hard to hear it often? If he could be anything but Remus John Lupin, if he was not a boy…

He was shaken out of this thought by Ophelia's quiet laughter and reprimand. "Sirius, I like you a lot, really I do. But I'm not willing to become one of many who share your affections."

Remus waited tensely, barely breathing, for what seemed like an eternity, concealed behind the shadows. Then Sirius spoke again, his voice carefully free of any trembling or disappointment. "Give a poor fellow a chance, will you?"

"I'll consider it." Ophelia leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Sirius' forehead. "Goodnight, Sirius."

"Goodnight, beautiful," Sirius said with a sigh, appreciatively watching her graceful figure tiptoe up to the girls' dormitory. Wordlessly, Remus crept back upstairs himself and climbed into bed before Sirius came up.

:III:

"Remus," James whispered to the bed next to his a bit later that night, while Sirius was still elsewhere. "Remus, I think I've finally killed the last remaining chance I ever had."

Stifling a sigh, Remus shifted beneath the sheets, stretching out and carefully striking a note of concern in his voice. "What happened?"

"Well…I'm sort of…accidentally…going out with Camille now."

For a moment Remus could not find it within himself to react; he simply lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling and not even trying to find words. When he was ready, he sat up a little and squinted at James in the darkness. "Only you, Prongs, could befriend some unfortunate girl just to use her to get closer to her best friend and then end up with her smitten with you instead of your original plan of her best friend falling hopelessly in love with you."

"I think I'm the hopeless one here," James reflected moodily, and Remus could tell that was the only bit he'd picked up from the whole statement. "I'm not even sure how it happened: one moment I was standing there, talking to Camille and actually getting Lily to talk to me as well, since I was standing right by her and her best friend. And the next, Lily disappeared without warning and Camille asked me to go to the next Hogsmeade visit with her…"

"And you said _yes_?" If Remus had the energy, he would've sat bolt-upright in bed and stared incredulously at his friend, but as it was, he was too exhausted to do anything but summon all the disbelief he could and put it in his voice.

"Well…" James made a frustrated noise. "I couldn't say no. I didn't know how."

"You like her _best friend_," Remus reminded him, his tone brimming with exasperation. "It's not very hard, see, you take a deep breath, and it sounds sort of like this, you say 'n-oo'. Come on now, say it with me. 'No'…"

"That's not the problem," Jame said irritably. "The problem is that now I'm somehow going out with my true love's best friend and I've made an even bigger mess of things than I thought was possible."

"Sirius was right," Remus mused. "You are an idiot."

James huffed and turned on his other side, away from Remus. "It's just like you to side with him." His words were muffled, but spite still emanated from them.

Remus wished these sort of things would stop happening him so much in the course of the day: it just served to send him further in a downward spiral of confusion and insanity. He hated not knowing what to say, because he couldn't deny it, not to James. But he was not even sure if anything existed there to deny in the first place.

It seemed his world was slowly drifting into insanity: He was not able to pinpoint an exact moment or point in time when this absurd idea had first planted itself in his mind, but it had been years ago. Carefully concealed by the close bond of friendship, it buried itself beneath a desire of acceptance and the even more pressing need to keep Sirius by his side, whatever it would take, so it was easily ignored. And now it was stronger and stronger. It seemed nothing could be normal any longer. No action or word went without careful scrutiny and interpretation.. No thought or feeling occurred to him that was not questioned, smothered, or denied. Even the most stable things were being questioned; the boundaries were closer and closer to being crossed. And Remus was dead tired of it all. He wanted to take himself and Sirius away to a strange, distant land where they could explore and unravel these mysteries themselves, without the obstructing concern and complications of others who involved themselves.

By the time Remus thought of answering James, however, his friend was fast asleep, and soon Remus slipped into a deep slumber of his own, not knowing that the next day would bring an event that would throw the once-perfect equilibrium off balance completely.


	4. To Breach the Distance

**A/N: **this chapter's shorter but the content should certainly please you all :)

Chapter Four: To Breach the Distance

_Now it's dark_

_I look for you to light my heart_

_I'm in between the moon and where you are…_

_I know I can't be far_

-- Blue October

Remus Lupin loved the aftereffects of a heavy rain. Everything looked greener, more clean and fresh. There wasn't any smog or dust or pollen left in the air to aggravate his high-tuned senses, just the pure, clear smell of the rain that had washed over everything. Even walking through the musty corridor with Sirius striding beside him to the Charms class they shared that morning, he could feel the tangible, bracing change in the atmosphere.

Sirius, his mind on other things, took less notice of the perceptible difference. If Remus had dared a glance over at his friend, he would find Sirius' jaw set, his eyes strangely unfocused, not the slightest trace of humour or mirth in them. Sirius had barely spoken a word all morning, a manner so unlike his usual light-hearted mischief that it was obvious to most that this was not just a fleeting mood or attitude. Sirius didn't have "moods"; that was James' condition. Sirius usually always managed to balance out whatever tension or strain existed amongst the Marauders. He was so rarely put out at this extreme that Remus was not quite sure how to ask, or even if he should mention it at all.

The first thought Remus conceived was that the matter had something to do with Ophelia. He was probably right, there; it wasn't too often that Sirius came across a girl he had to fight for, someone who wasn't waiting eagerly to fall into his arms at the drop of a hat. In all the years of midnight trysts and covert moments of intimacy that Sirius had gone through with each girl, Remus had discovered more and more about how Sirius handled these romances.

Sirius was fiercely affectionate to those he was loyal to—the Marauders. The way he attached himself to them was, Remus suspected, to make up for the lack of connection he felt with his family. And so it was surprising to most that he couldn't seem to be able to settle on one girl who would last. Sirius had formed such tight bonds with his friends that it seemed reasonable he would have the same kind of attachment to a girl. But for some reason he was never able to settle. That restless need for variation, a sort of hook to keep him engaged, that was forever earning him trouble and punishment, hindered any kind of long-lasting interest.

Sirius' personality had so many facets, so many hidden sides and twists that were noticed only by people who truly knew him. He was well-bred, lofty, and bore the smallest, most bearable traces of pride—but Remus had also seen Sirius reduced to the typical highs and lows of teenage insecurity. Within the Marauders' tight circle, Sirius' doubts, fears, and frustration about his family could be expressed…though always in an aloof, careful manner. It was only the rare occasion that Remus caught Sirius in a pensive, serious mood, willing to share his thoughts.

So he left the entire matter alone, for the time being. The weather was so spectacular that hordes of students were outside enjoying it, roaming the grounds as their free time allowed. James was leaning up against a tree, his arms crossed over his chest, legs stretched out in front of him. He was still intolerably moody, having been compelled to spend the whole day with Camille, with Lily in sight. The Marauders could think of nothing to help his situation except the obvious and also precarious solution of breaking up with Camille, which might only worsen things but would still solve the problem at hand. Sirius was laying on his back, the top of his head resting against James' knee, his eyes idly scanning the people mulling around them; and Peter was seated next to James, watching him eagerly for him to speak. Remus was sitting a little ways off, a book in his lap, trying to concentrate on the palpable words and not the intimacy Sirius and James were so openly displaying.

At last Sirius' roving eyes passed over Remus and he called, "Always got your nose in a book, Moony." The others chuckled but Remus ignored the remark, waiting until Sirius got up to go speak to Ophelia before he lifted his eyes from the page and watched.

"He can hardly criticise me and Lily when he's always going off with some girl himself," said James derisively.

"This one's different," Peter put in. "He doesn't talk about her like he talks about the other ones."

Remus did not say anything but merely watched as Sirius and Ophelia engaged in conversation, the way they both seemed so interested in each other's words, more than mere politeness. It seemed unfair, that they could be so open about this, while he had to keep everything to himself and try to crush his feelings before they got out of hand.

The rest of the evening flew by with very little involvement of Sirius without Ophelia being somewhere nearby, occupying his attention. Remus went to bed early once more, but stayed awake long after the others had all fallen asleep, noting that Sirius was still not in bed, although it was well past curfew.

The night was fairly chilly and Remus was huddled in a tight ball beneath layers of sheets and blankets, trying to quiet his mind of all thoughts—especially ones related to Sirius—and he finally drifted into an uneasy, light sleep.

:III:

He couldn't have slept for more than an hour before a sudden weight on the edge of his bed awoke him. Remus opened his eyes, suddenly aware of someone's presence beside him, watching him sleep. He pushed himself up, blinking as the moonlight revealed Sirius leaning forward on his bed.

"What—"

No further words escaped his mouth before Sirius placed his hands on either side of Remus' face, breaching the small distance between them, and kissed him, not tentatively or softly. Remus began to pull back from sheer shock, his stomach lurching from disbelief, but Sirius only pressed in closer, insistently, pinning Remus down. Remus' heart, which had been beating peacefully and consistently while he was sleeping, was suddenly pounding against his ribcage with such force he thought it would break loose.

Remus never thought of breaking away and did not panic at the possibility of being discovered—he could only focus on the intense kiss, Sirius' lips moving against his until he could no longer tell whose tongue was whose, and how the cold night air skimmed his skin as Sirius deftly undid the buttons on his nightshirt, even though there was warmth inside of him, engulfing.

The cold collided with the heat that spread through his body at Sirius' contact. Gooseflesh rippled across his skin even as sweat began to drip from his pores as the kiss became more pressing, more desperate. Sirius' hands slipped inside of Remus' nightshirt, and he gently forced Remus back down on the bed, straddling his hips, their lips locked together. If Remus had not been so startled by this move, and overcome with thrill, he might have tried some clever things with his hands, like the way Sirius' dexterous fingers were tracing small circles on the bare skin of Remus' stomach, making his senses tingle. Remus tried to relax and let Sirius kiss the curve of his neck, down to his collarbone, where Sirius' tongue flickered out and ran small circles. But his heartbeat was racing, ringing in his ears, and his breathing would not slow but was air forced out of and into from his lungs erratically, raggedly.

"Am I dreaming?" Remus breathed, finally daring to break the spell of the moment, the sound of clothing and sheets rustling, hoarse breathing, rough kisses.

Sirius paused in his present task of assaulting Remus' tempting collarbone with his lips and murmured, "Does this feel like a dream?" He kissed Remus' mouth again, sweetly at first with varying pressure, and building up to heated passion.

Before much longer, Sirius relaxed, resting his head on Remus' stomach. Both nightshirts had long since been discarded and the sweaty sheets were twisted around their legs. They lay there like that, quietly, struggling to regain composure. Sirius closed his eyes and felt the rise and fall of Remus' chest beneath him as he drew breath in and out, in and out…matched their breathing together.

A few moments passed. Sirius shifted and crouched above Remus, leaning down so their bodies pressed close once more, and put his mouth to Remus' ear. He shivered at the feel of Sirius' warm breath and hair falling softly against Remus' face.

"Don't tell a soul, Moony," Sirius breathed. "Not even James or Peter."

Remus nodded, his voice unable to form any sound.

"Not a soul," Sirius repeated, then disentangled himself from Remus and backed away, into shadows. Remus exhaled deeply, still shaking from the encounter, and slid slowly back under the covers, intensely aware of every drop of sweat and cold shudder. His hair was disheveled, and his cheeks felt flushed from passion. He heard Sirius' slow, deep breathing across the room a few moments afterward.

But Remus remained awake for a long time afterwards, watching the stars roam the sky, unable to explain or ignore the fullness he was feeling for the first time in years.


	5. Last Chances

Chapter Five: Last Chances

_What if we could put our lives on hold _

_and meet somewhere inside of the world_

_I would meet you_

_Would you meet me?_

_It's like a last chance for a first dance_

_You're a sunrise_

_Can't somehow exist_

-- Blue October

For the next, almost unbearable few weeks, Remus found that life had not improved. Sirius was reacting in various ways to what had happened that night, each switch confusing Remus more and more: one minute Sirius would be teasing Remus with subtle, tormenting enticements; the next he would be spending the day with Ophelia without so much as a fleeting glance at Remus. It was one of the most agitating points in Remus' life. He went through periodic highs and lows depending on whether Sirius decided to pay attention to him or not; and those times when Sirius ignored him, he was forced to listen to James' constant complaints about his new girlfriend, whom he had still not figured out how to be rid of.

"She's _awful_."

"Come on, Prongs, she really isn't that bad."

"She's terrible, I'm telling you. You've got to believe me."

"Well, it's not my fault you got stuck with her."

"It isn't mine either!"

At this point, Remus had only begun a nasty retort when their Charms professor interrupted their conversation and sternly requested that they pay attention to the lesson, as neither of them was having any success with the Aguamenti charm. The teacher wandered off after a few minutes of keeping his wary eyes on the two Marauders, and they resumed their hushed conversation.

"Look mate, give us all a break and tell Camille you don't really like her—"

"D'you have any idea how rude that would be? Come on, Moony, have a heart."

"It's rude in the first place to lead her on. And have you forgotten the small problem of you being in love with her best friend?"

At this point, Remus glanced around swiftly to make sure the professor wasn't watching them again, and caught sight of Sirius sitting across the room with Ophelia. They were playfully flirting as he watched, but when Ophelia turned away to say something to her friend, Remus could have sworn he saw Sirius throw a wink in his direction before he claimed Ophelia's attention again. Shaking his head, Remus turned back to James.

"How long are you going to drag this out before the poor girl finds out you aren't interested?"

"Well, I've only been going out with her a few weeks—ow, watch where you put that wand!"

"Sorry, sorry."

"Besides, how would it look to Lily if I dumped her best friend? Girls hate the git who does that."

"In case you hadn't picked up on it, Potter, Lily hates you already."

"Alright, alright, then I don't need things to get any worse!" James was becoming more unraveled by the minute.

"They already have gotten worse, so stop messing around and break it off," Remus advised under his breath, absently waving his wand so it looked like he was doing _something, _at least.

James was silent for a while, pondering this solution for what had to be the hundredth time. "Allright," he consented. "But—how?"

Remus sighed; his eyes flickered over to Sirius in annoyance. Since the new distraction of Ophelia, they were seeing less and less of Sirius—which meant Sirius didn't have to put up with as much of James' constant complaining as the other Marauders did, which Remus begrudged.

"Moony? What're you staring at?" James snapped his fingers abruptly in his friend's face.

Indignantly, Remus swatted his hand away. "Nothing. Look, you've not been with her that long, so it's not like she thinks it's serious." He waited for James to agree or at least acknowledge this, but his friend was silent and his eyes slid away from Remus'. "I mean…it _isn't _serious…is it, James?"

"Well…" James fiddled with his wand. "She's told me she's in love with me."

"She's—_what!"_

"Lupin, Potter!" their Charms teacher bellowed, fluttering over to them. "No talking! Work!"

"Right, right," James muttered. Remus sneaked another glance at Sirius, who wasn't paying the least attention to them, as the professor wandered off again.

"James, I hate to tell you this, mate, but you're in deep bollocks."

"I know." James nodded glumly.

"Deep, _deep _bollocks," Remus emphasised.

"I _know_."

"What did you say when she told you that?"

"I said—er—okay."

"You said 'okay'?"

"Yeah, what was I supposed to say? 'Oh, sorry Camille, but I actually want to be going out with your best friend, who hates me, and I like you about as much as vampires like sunlight.' "

"You could drop that vampire bit, but yeah. I hope you know your case is completely hopeless until you break it off with that poor girl."

"Oh, really, thank you for that dazzling analysis," James muttered as the class ended and the students filed out of the classroom. Remus let James go on ahead, and waited to catch up with Sirius.

"Hey, Moony," Sirius said nonchalantly. "Boring class, wish I'd skived off."

"Yeah." Remus was barely listening. "Look, full moon starts tonight."

"Oh yeah?" Sirius craned his head around the flock of students blocking the doorway, not meeting Remus' eyes.

"Yes…" Remus was at a loss what he should say next and could only wait for Sirius' answer.

After a pause, Sirius sighed. "Look I'm sorry, but I told Ophelia I'd spend my evening with her."

"Oh. Right." Remus allowed the tiniest pause. "Isn't that where you've been the past few nights?" Then, without waiting for an answer, he asked, "So is she your girlfriend now?"

Sirius had no reply, but merely shrugged, and Remus took this as the only reaction he would get from his friend at that point. "Oh well, have fun. See you later."

:III:

The next week was Valentine's Day, a miserable affair for both Remus and James, who had still not accomplished his now top priority of Breaking Up with Camille in the Most Painless, Noble, and Flattering Way Possible. Fittingly, there was a Hogsmeade visit scheduled that day, and even Peter had asked a girl to go with him—a rather plain, cheery girl from Hufflepuff, but someone of the female sex all the same—and it went without saying that Sirius was going with Ophelia. (He was still consistently denying accusations that the two of them were "official", "going steady", or the one he hated most, "an item"; but his protestations were getting weaker and weaker.) After several long, back-and-forth discussions about whether it was inappropriate for James _not_ to ask Camille to go with him, Remus and James decided it would be better if he did—with Remus along for support. Remus stubbornly pointed out how unromantic this would be, James and Camille going on a date with James' best mate tagging along, but James insisted on him being there for "emotional support" (after all, as he reminded Remus, he didn't particularly want the event to be romantic in the first place). It was rather ironic how roles were being switched—Remus and James were spending an increasing amount of time together, and Sirius was the one removing himself.

In a typical fit of late winter indecision, after a few weeks of blissfully warm weather in February, early Valentine's Day the snowfall began. By the time the Marauders got to Hogsmeade, the snow lay heavily on the ground and continued to descend relentlessly from the clouds above. The only good thing that came of this was that it gave Remus something to watch as he sat with James and Camille in Madame Puddifoot's, bored nearly to tears and wondering why he even bothered to come in the first place. The entire span of James and Camille's tedious, drawn-out conversation did very little to entertain Remus, except the few occasions where he'd watch as Camille made not-so-subtle attempts to kiss James, which he fended off with the most discretion he could. The rest of the time he was incurably bored.

He wondered idly where Sirius was. Probably having fun. That was one of the charms Sirius had that drew people to him—there was always something interesting going on around him, he was never bored. Remus envied Ophelia at that moment, that she was having a good time with Sirius somewhere, while he was stuck here with James and James' doting girlfriend. Who really was, he had to admit, pretty bad.

At last, when Remus felt he'd given James enough emotion support—which, as far as he could tell, consisted of exchanging meaningful glances with James whenever Camille started gazing fondly at him, and abruptly changing the subject when she tried to talk about her feelings—and bolted out of Madame Puddifoot's as fast as he could. He wandered around, more or less aimlessly, for a while, until he sat down on a bench and found the person seated next to him was none other than Lily Evans herself.

Despite her obvious dislike of Potter, Lily had actually taken a bit of liking to Remus. She had always told him, on the few occasions when they talked, that she liked him because he wasn't so much like James or Sirius, so big-headed and attention-seeking. Which meant he was in her good graces. He liked Lily as well. She was nice enough—if she liked you—and she had more intelligence and a sense of humour than most girls.

"Hello, Remus," she said. "You here with anyone?"

'Ah, no," he replied, smiling. "And you?"

Lily smiled back a little. "Well, I'm meeting someone in a bit. Alex McCarthy, he's captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team."

That was typical of Lily to choose a Ravenclaw boy, Remus thought, she was not one to waste her affections. She was also popular, an easy conversationalist, and who didn't love those green eyes?

"I thought you hated Quidditch players."

Lily gave another wry smile. "Only some."

Remus wondered if there was really a safe way to broach the subject of James or if he should leave it alone altogether, when Lily observantly guessed his intentions.

"If you want to talk about James, I really don't have much to say on the matter."

"Oh. Well, that's alright, it doesn't matter." He was pondering a change of subject when she spoke again without warning.

"I really think it's good for Camille. I mean, I advised her against James, but just because I think he's a self-centered git doesn't mean she can't like him. And she really is happy, you know." Remus barely had time to say "Of course" before Lily ploughed on. "She's absolutely mad about him, I don't really see why, half the things she tells me about how wonderful he is are the farthest thing from the truth."

"Probably," Remus said, very honestly. "She talks about it a lot to you?"

Lily snorted. "As much as I let her."

"Aren't you two good friends?"

Lily reflected on this a moment before assenting, "Well, I suppose. She's not my _best_ friend, I can't really stand her sometimes. Rarely has anything on her mind besides friends and boys."

"Yes, that sort," Remus nodded.

"There is something odd about it, though," Lily remarked with a little hesitation, then paused.

"Considering a week before James and Camille were together he thought he was in love with you?" Remus guessed dryly.

"Once again, Lupin, you hit it on the nose."

"Well, I can't say that I understand James any more than you do," Remus lied. "Does it bother you?"

Lily replied quickly, "No, of course not, why would it? I just think it's…odd, that's all." She rose and added, "I should probably head off to meet Alex now, I'll see you later, Remus."

"Have fun," Remus called. With no one to keep him company, he grew bored soon and wandered off towards the Three Broomsticks, which had the least assortment of couples in all the shops at Hogsmeade. After a drink or two and still no interesting advances, he was headed out the door and back to Hogwarts when he bumped into a familiar figure.

"Moony!" Sirius stumbled into the doorway and promptly straightened up, darted a nervous glance around, and gripped Remus' arm tightly. He seemed more than a little twitchy, out of character for him.

"Padfoot. Why the hurry?"

Sirius shook his head. "I'll explain later. Let's get out of here."

"Get out of where?"

"Here." He waved a hand impatiently. "How does the Black Lake sound to you?"

"Should be relatively deserted right now, why?"

"Come on." Sirius took full advantage of the few inches of height he boasted over Remus, and dragged his friend along back to Hogwarts.

Remus had been right—the Black Lake was almost entirely secluded, except for a few second-years staging a small snowball-fight a ways away. It was also entirely freezing, but had not iced over. Sirius dusted the snow off a massive log and perched on it, motioning for Remus to do the same, but he remained standing, eyeing Sirius a little warily.

"Come out and say whatever you've got to say, Moony, we all know how impatient you get."

"Might I ask why, instead of enjoying the warmth and company indoors, you prefer to stay out here and get very wet and cold?"

"Ah." Sirius nodded sagely and huffed on his hands to warm them. "And that, my friend, is a question that should be answered by those wiser and more experienced than us. Sit down."

Remus did, taking a moment to appreciate the view of the chilled lake, mist and black rolling waters. Sirius' face was pale from the cold, but his cheeks were flushed with blood and glistening with moisture from the snow. Snowflakes had also caught in his long hair, which he then shook back from his face, but a few tiny white flurries remained.

"Something fascinating about my hair, Moony?"

Unable to come up with a quick, witty retort for this, Remus reached down, scooped up a handful of snow, and tossed it only half-heartedly at Sirius, who then had to brush more snow from his clothes. After this was accomplished, Sirius remarked, "You look like you have a question."

"Several, actually. What happened to Ophelia?"

"It's really a peculiar thing. One of my old girlfriends came up to chat with us, and I thought it was rather awkward so I excused myself for a minute. Well, I was listening in on their conversation, and my old girlfriend started telling Ophelia all these awful stories about me—"

"And of course, they were all lies," Remus put in.

"Well, maybe not lies, but she was embellishing," Sirius admitted. "As you can imagine, I got out of there as fast as I could. Don't want to face Ophelia yet, that'd be depressingly awkward. And I was a bit bored, too."

"And that's why we left so quickly?"

"Precisely. Anything more?"

"Yes." Remus allowed himself a moment of hesitation. "Why have you been avoiding me lately?" He took care to make the statement forceful and clear, instead of weak.

Sirius only laughed. "Moony, you think I've been avoiding you?"

"I'd say it certainly seems like that."

"Look, it's not really my fault, I just have to spend more time with Ophelia…"

"She's your girlfriend, not your best friend," Remus said sharply, holding up a hand to fend off Sirius' impending protest at the word "girlfriend". "And stop pretending you don't know what I'm talking about. It's been this way for nearly a month, and I'm getting tired of it. I won't be shunted to the side," Remus said, quietly but still resolutely.

He waited in tense silence for a spell until Sirius exhaled and began to laugh. "Bloody hell, Moony. You go along for so long being all quiet and meek, and now you have to get all confrontational."

"And?" Remus was more than slightly annoyed at the humour Sirius found in this.

Sirius smiled, suggestive. "And…I like it."

Instinctively, Remus scanned the area for any watching, but he found the Lake completely abandoned now—they were the only ones who remained; the others had gone inside in favour of a warm fire. The snowfall had halted, but a few snowflakes were still drifting leisurely through the air. Remus found it easier to watch these than to meet Sirius' willful gaze.

"I hate the cold," Sirius said softly, absently. His eyes were still fastened on Remus, who was gazing out over the cold, misty lake. "My house was always cold, my mother liked it that way. When we were younger, me and Regulus used to get in bed together and try to warm up. That was before he became an identical copy of my father, and every single other prejudiced, contemptuous Black who'd ever lived and died in that rotting house."

Remus finally turned his head and watched Sirius, who stared bleakly back at him. "You still talk to Andromeda?"

"Not often. She's married, you know? To a Muggle, but I like him."

"Which is why you haven't become like Regulus," Remus said softly. "Don't lose that, Sirius."

Sirius' gaze was distant and inward as he contemplated this, perhaps; or perhaps something else he would never tell Remus, not that he'd even ask. Remus wondered privately if he even really knew Sirius at all anymore. Sirius' personality, which had once been so clear and readable, was now so prone to changes and fluctuations and moods. Half the time, Remus was convinced Sirius thought what was between them was simple, was nothing, or not worth being troubled over. The other half, he interpreted the signs that Sirius felt just as strongly as he did. It was as if Sirius could not decide how he felt.

Remus wondered why the one thing he wanted, so much, so painfully, above anything else, had to be so difficult.

"Moony, there's something…not right about us."

There was so much Remus could have said then, words he wanted to say, words he was dying to let out. _There's nothing wrong with us, Sirius, it's everyone else that's not right…why won't you give me a chance, why won't you look at me any more, is it because you're afraid, is it because of her? Is she better than me? Am I reading you right?_

"Sirius," he spoke suddenly, not caring if he was being too forward or bold, because Sirius had so many whims and impulses he felt he hardly knew his friend's intentions. "What is it that you want?"


	6. Desperate

Chapter Six: Desperate

_You see, sorrow gets too heavy and joy, it tends to hold you_  
_with the fear that it eventually departs._  
_And the truth is I've been dreaming of some tired tranquil place_  
_where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones_  
_And if all the years of searching find one sympathetic face_  
_Then it's there I will plant these seeds and make my home._

-- Bright Eyes

Remus did not realise it at first, but he was holding his breath as the seconds ticked by, more and more, drawing out the silence, and there was not a single thought fluttering in his head but anticipation. He waited so tensely for Sirius' answer, as he had been waiting for all his life.

He had spent far too many years in silence—years spent smothering the birds inside of him who yearned to escape and fly, years that seemed to only grow longer and longer the more he thought about that unattainable crooked smile and boundless grey eyes, years that made less and less sense and brought more and more trouble. First year, finding a friend who could protect him, who he didn't have to explain himself to. Second year, forming the circle of friends who didn't question him relentlessly or reject him because he was an outsider, because he was pale, quiet, sickly, clever, shy. He had been so worried that, exposed to so many other children, he would become the outcast, the "dangerous" one. When his friends learned his secret, they did not shun him or betray him. It had been one of the most unsettling experiences of his life that they instead agreed to help him, to dedicate themselves to becoming Animagi. For his sake.

Third year, midnight confessions, puberty, the awkwardness of being not grown into his body yet. Remus had always envied Sirius at that time, who for all his youth, was never gawky or clumsy, but always seemed to fit his frame with perfect ease and moved with all the agility of a cat—funny, that his personality was so like a dog's.

Fourth year, feeling the pains and thrills of teenage heartache, and yet beneath all those impulses and romantic longings there was still a profound attachment to watchful grey eyes, a quick smile that promised mischief. Sirius would always tap his quill in the same pattern when he was bored. _Tap-tap tap, tap. Tap-tap tap, tap._ Like a bothersome gnat, it was always there. Waiting. In the way he noticed every quirk and habit. In the way he felt a thrill move through his body each time their hands brushed, or their eyes met, like something existed there that really didn't—couldn't.

Fifteen. Fifth year. So much had happened that year, only a year had passed since then. Remus' first year as prefect; knowing it was his duty to keep a rein on the activities of Prongs and Padfoot, yet certain in his heart that it was a task he could not do. He could not scold them as his inferiors, or even his equals: They were far too important. They befriended him when others would not, and moreover, they stuck by his side even when they learned his secret. He would not risk that for anything, even displeasing the Headmaster. So Remus failed in that, but it was a shortcoming easily forgiven by his friends.

That had been the year James, Sirius, and Peter finally became Animagi and resolved to accompany Remus on the nights of the full moon. He would never be able to thank them as they deserved. With them alongside him, he was less dangerous. Under their influence, he was more sane, more human. He no longer had to surrender all of his mind to the workings of the full moon.

It was then that Remus began to recognise the symptoms of a long-term condition. If this was some sort of illness he'd contracted, it was not going away, or even weakening. He couldn't tell anyone this: The only person he'd trust it with was the one person who was the cause—Sirius.

And so it seemed like forever that he'd been hiding these feelings and notions, trying to stifle them, condemn them to a world of silence where they could not trouble him any longer. But despite how hard he tried, he could never overcome them, like the illness that blighted his existence every full moon, it was there, whether he liked it or not. The craving he didn't even understand sometimes. The sore aching of despair. Why was it him who had this affliction? He couldn't help it any more than he could help the werewolf bite years ago—that, too, had condemned him to a life of secrecy, living in constant fear. Did it have to be this way?

_What do you want, Sirius?_

He hoped—so desperately—that this was not a fool's hope, that he was reading the signs right, not risking too much. He had made himself so vulnerable with this impossible hope. He could be, with a single word, destroyed.

Drawn back to the present, Remus dared to let himself study Sirius' unreadable face—the careful expression, his eyes holding Remus', but wavering. It had not been that long since Remus asked the question, but it seemed like an eternity before Sirius replied.

"Don't ask that question," he said bleakly, the icy wind whipping his dark hair. "Don't, Remus."

"Why not?"

"Because!" Sirius rose abruptly, started pacing. "It won't do either of us any good. It will only make everything worse."

"Things have been getting worse ever since I started thinking about this," Remus said softly. "I want you to answer."

Sirius halted, faced away from Remus, and exhaled deeply. "What do I want?" He paused again, his eyes searching the horizon, the choppy waters. For a moment, he didn't utter a single word, but Remus did not dare speak either. Then Sirius turned back to Remus. "Moony…I want you."

It seemed so out of place—his words, his expression, the entire situation. It seemed so absurd. Sirius wasn't _like that_, or even if he was, it had been Remus' constant fear that Sirius didn't want him, didn't want the inconvenience. All of a sudden, the last lingering vestiges of sense that Remus had clung to dropped away.

Remus had no words he knew that would make sense of anything. "I thought you said you weren't—"

Sirius laughed. "Then I'm a better liar than I thought I was, if you believed that."

"But…Ophelia—"

"—is lovely and charming but she's not like you, Moony," Sirius said gently. "And damned if I find anyone else who is like you. And I can't help but notice that."

Remus let his breath out now, deeply and slowly, to try and regain control of the storm raging within him.

"And as my answer to your question," said Sirius, "I want to be with you, I want to spend all my time with you, to show you things—"

"Then why don't you?" Remus demanded. He was upset that Sirius felt the exact same that he did, but had concealed it so long. If they hadn't both been so afraid, they could've had ages…

"Because," Sirius sighed, "it's…complicated. It's difficult, Remus."

"Don't you think I know that?" Remus too jumped up and paced angrily. "Don't you think I have difficulty pretending nothing's wrong? Don't you think it's difficult hiding everything from James and Peter, or watching you and Ophelia attached to each other's hips all day?"

"I'm saying I don't think you fully understand how this could turn out," Sirius replied sharply. "Just because you and I—"

"Are different? Are wrong? 'Messed up'?" Remus questioned. "Sirius…I'm a werewolf. I've been through my share of prejudice and paranoia. Why are you so afraid?"

It was a question Sirius himself evidently did not know the answer to. "I'm going inside," he told Remus shortly. "You'd better come along too, or you'll freeze to death."

Remus found himself then hating this habit of theirs—to never talk, and hated Sirius for being so damn evasive.

:III:

Back in the Common Room, enjoying the warmth of a large fire and his friends' company, Remus had a chance to mull things over. Sirius had disappeared the rest of the day, and was not even seen with Ophelia, but Remus was too distracted to worry about his whereabouts. He was so lost in thought it took James several attempts to catch his attention.

"Oi! Moony! What are you staring at?"

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"Thinking about what?"

"Oh, Dumbledore's mother bathing." Remus swatted a hand in front of James' face to get his friend to back off from him.

"That's a nice thought," James wrinkled his nose. "Have you ever even met Dumbledore's mother?"

"No; I don't think he has one."

"Oh, c'mon, everyone's got a mother."

"Not Dumbledore," Peter chimed in. "He's ageless."

"Well, just because he's a couple hundred years old doesn't mean he doesn't have parents."

"We didn't say he didn't have a father," Remus added.

James scowled. "I don't know how well your mother taught you your facts, Moony, but the _mother_ gives birth, not the father."

"Stork," Remus said calmly, scanning the room yet again for Sirius.

"Oh, of course, a stork, why didn't that occur to me," James said sardonically. "The most powerful wizard the world has ever seen was brought by a _stork_."

Remus laughed, just at the thought of the infant Dumbledore. The only thing he could picture was Dumbledore's head, spectacles and snowy beard and all, on a tiny baby's body. It amused him, albeit briefly.

"Now, if we're speaking about mothers, have you _seen _ the mother of that Hufflepuff boy, Liam Schill?" Peter said eagerly. "I saw her at King's Cross coming back from winter holidays. She's unspeakably _exquisite_."

"That'd be just like you, Wormtail, to notice people's good-looking mothers," James said disgustedly, shaking his head at this perverse notion.

"Just because you don't notice a single member of the female sex other than the goddess Lily Evans doesn't mean we all have that devotion," Remus said dryly.

"Devotion, or obsession," Peter muttered.

Jame snorted. "Lies, all lies. Isabelle Perch, that Ravenclaw girl, is pretty. Or Ophelia," he added, nodding towards the very beauty in mention, who was sitting across the room. Peter agreed whole-heartedly to this. "What about you, Remus?" James asked shrewdly, turning on his friend.

"Oh—Ophelia?" It was hard to speak of her without thinking of Sirius, how he'd slide his arm around Ophelia's shoulder when they were sitting together, touch her hair like it was glass. "Yeah, she's pretty."

He could tell James was about to pursue this, but suddenly Peter spoke up. "Camille, James, it's Camille!"

James darted a glance up to where Peter was pointing—Camille had just come in and was making a beeline for James. "Oh, burn it all. She's _everywhere_."

"James dear, I have a Valentine's present for you," Camille said shyly as she approached them. "I'll give it to you later, if you're good." She gave a winsome smile. "Where've you been all day, I've missed you!"

Remus choked back his laughter and rose. "Well, James darling, I think Peter and I should run off and leave you and Camille to it. After all, we wouldn't want to interrupt this joyful lovers' reunion. Come on, Pete."

As they were leaving, Remus threw a glance over his shoulder and saw the venomous look James gave him, promising revenge, perhaps beetles in his bed that night. Remus smiled and kept walking.

:III:

"_Do you ever feel like something's missing," Sirius whispered, his breath barely stirring the sleek black hair of the girl beside him whose head was rested on his shoulder._

_Ophelia's eyes were closed, peacefully. "Something that should make you complete?"_

"_Exactly. Something you know, somewhere inside of you, that you should have, and yet…you don't have it. For whatever reasons."_

_She nuzzled her cheek a little closer into his neck. "For what reason?"_

_Sirius' eyes were fixed not on his lovely companion, but somewhere off in the distance, or perhaps on a point inside of himself not visible to those on the outside. "Because even though you tell yourself you should have it, there's something else that knows you shouldn't."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because you're afraid." It was the first thing out of his mouth, and he regretted it._

_Ophelia softened. She'd sneaked out of the Common Room after Remus and Pettigrew did, and found Sirius sitting off on his own, in a contemplative mood. "You shouldn't be afraid, Sirius. I think you should have what you think you need, even if you might think you shouldn't."_

"_Really?" He was almost positive she had no true idea what he was speaking of, so it was safe. He was really almost amazed she grasped the gist of things beyond all the "should"s and "shouldn't"s and "think"s._

"_Yes, I do." She snuggled into him again. "Sometimes I tell myself the same thing, about you. 'You don't need a boy, he's just another distraction.' For a while I was afraid of you hurting me. But now I know you won't," Ophelia said confidently, a half-smile touching her lips._

_He wasn't sure what to say to this. He wanted to give her reassurance, but how could he, when she had his intentions all wrong? How to say it? An ironic twist, Sirius found himself in James' position. Only Lily wasn't a shy werewolf boy with limpid, hurt eyes and hands that could steady even the most frightening of Sirius' quakes._

_So instead he said nothing, only leaned his head on hers and let the silence seal up the gap, so he did not have to speak lies._


	7. Quell Those Wet Fears

Chapter Seven

Before much longer, a drastic change marked the lives of the Marauders—Sirius cut his hair. Which meant either life had taken an abrupt good turn for him despite intensifying tension between Remus and him, or he had really, truly fallen hard for Ophelia and was trying desperately to impress her. Which really, now that Remus thought about it, was not in Sirius' character to be the one trying to impress. Either way, it was beginning to get harder and harder to hide the rift growing between Sirius and Remus.

The next full moon, Sirius made various complaints and excuses as he had the last time, and refused to accompany the rest of them on midnight expeditions about the grounds. He and Remus scarcely spoke, and when they did, it was meagre, strained conversation that James and Peter were quick to notice, and wonder about.

They headed into March, a very undecided and perplexing month. James nearly died of agony when Remus broke the news that Lily was now going out with Ravenclaw captain Alexander McCarthy. At first he wailed and moaned that he would never be good enough for her, then he realised a better plan of action would be to get rid of this competition.

"Next match," he vowed with a fierce gleam in his eyes that advised Remus against bursting out with laughter, as he was tempted to do, "I'll flatten him. And then I will tear out his insides, bake them into a pie, and give it to Lily."

"Oh yes, that'll be a smart move in winning her heart. Every girl's dream—gut pie," Remus remarked.

James, who had gotten exceptionally talented at ignoring these sardonic comments, kept going despite the interruption. "Once I prove what an overblown, pathetic prat that McCarthy is, Lily will _have _to realise I'm the best…"

"You know, it's funny, I seem to remember her using that same 'overblown prat' insult on you the other day…"

"That makes no difference," James said airily, waving his hair in dismissal.

"Yes, I agree. The thing you should be concerned about is that you're still _going out with her best friend_."

"Would you leave it alone already!"

"Honestly, Prongs, are you ever going to break it off with the poor girl? Stop misleading her? Maybe get Lily to stop hating you in the process?"

"Ha ha, very funny. I've got a question for you myself, Moony. What's going on with you and Sirius lately?"

Remus stopped short. "Bloody hell, is that Camille coming this way with a bottle of whipped cream?"

James whipped his head around, anxiously scanning the room. "Bollocks! No, she's nowhere to be seen. Don't do that, Moony, you gave me a real…" He turned back to his friend, but Remus had vanished. "Oh, hell."

:III:

"Stop being so evasive," read the note Remus had passed to Sirius halfway through Potions. Sirius darted a sideways glance at his friend, who was gazing impassively up at the professor. As if he's really listening, Sirius thought derisively. And I am _not _being evasive.

Perhaps a little elusive, he allowed. After all, when Moony followed him doggedly trying to corner him into an awkward, one-sided conversation, what was he supposed to do? Things were so much _easier _when—

'_When' what? _the damnably questioning side of his mind inquired. _When you were both normal?_

Sirius scowled, pretended he really was not hearing voices in his head but merely the effects of something rotten in his pumpkin juice that morning, and scribbled a fast reply on the note with his scrawling, messy handwriting, then, when the professor had turned away, sent it over to Remus' desk with a flick.

"Essence of Willow has such strong effects on head aches because why, do you think? Anyone?"

Remus opened the note carefully and read "mind you're own business". Shaking his head at his friend's poor grammar, he considered saving his remarks for after class, but knew that Sirius would predictably fly out of the room to avoid speaking with him. So Remus wrote "Give me a real answer and I'll stop asking." Then, as an afterthought, added, "And if you say 'none of your business' or 'I haven't been avoiding you' one more time, I'll tell Prongs and Peter about first year when you pissed your pants because you were scared you'd be Sorted into Slytherin."

"Muggles, of course, use it in more primitive fashions, such as brewing it as a tea and, more recently, producing medications from it, but there are much more efficient methods with which to derive its natural potency…"

Sirius paled at the threat in the note and furiously scrawled, "You sodding git. I haven't had much time lately." He paused, considered how Moony would take this predictable evasion, then crossed out the last sentence and wrote, "I'm trying to figure things out and you only make them more confusing."

"However, by this time, there have been many additional pain-reducing substances discovered in the past few decades that using Essence of Willow is obsolete. With the introduction of a great variety of remedies for Potions masters and Healers to rely on, there comes just as many risks in case the attempted treatment goes wrong, in some sense…"

When Remus read the note, Sirius watched him scowl and bite his lip, as he knew his friend would do. The fast, irritable answer was, "I don't see why you think _I'm _the confusing one when we haven't had a real conversation in weeks. Come off it, Padfoot, whatever's the problem, everyone else can see it happening, too."

"In class this week we will be studying some of the newer, more advanced solutions for usual pains and illnesses, and next week we shall begin to cover more advanced treatments for the less, shall we say, easily-cured afflictions."

"I don't want to talk about it" was the firm, resolute response written in dark, bold letters on the parchment. Remus shook his head and decided to make one last effort. "I either want things back to normal or I want to feel the things we're both trying to deny." Only partly true, Remus had not been denying anything, to himself, at least. The teacher's back was turned to them, and Remus tried to fling the note over at Sirius.

With a sudden failing of luck, an intruder's hand snapped out and intercepted the small scrap of parchment. Remus' heart dropped to the pit of his stomach as he realised who had come upon this private conversation—none other than Snivellus Snape.

At that moment, class was dismissed and the students all gathered up their things and all huddled around the door, crowded and trying to all get out of the dank, dark dungeon. As Snape slipped out of the doorway ahead of Remus, he turned and threw the werewolf boy a sly, gloating smile.

_We'll see about that_, his face seemed to say, and Remus could have kicked himself.

:III:

"He got it, didn't he."

Remus reluctantly tore his gaze away from his book, mildly irritated at the interruption, and felt a startle of concern at the flashing grey eyes that lit a familiar, anxious face in front of him. "He—what?"

Sirius shook his head impatiently and repeated, "Snape got that note, didn't he?"

"Oh—well, yes, it wasn't really my fault…"

"Brilliant. Simply brilliant." Sirius turned abruptly and started pacing around the room, his step quick and tense. "Next thing you know, they'll be spreading rumours about us like the pox."

"Will they really be rumours?" Remus said softly, more to himself than his friend, but Sirius whirled around and fixed those penetrating eyes on him.

"You're my best mate in the world, but sometimes I wonder if you've really got a brain that works," Sirius said shortly after a stretch of silence.

Remus was tempted to make a sharp retort, but looking into those intense grey eyes, flickering with emotions he could not name, boded no well. _I can't be angry at him_. He stifled the exasperation and kept thoughts like "You're the one who doesn't know what you want, and you're calling me stupid?" curbed, in his head. Trying to sort through his feelings, he snapped the book shut with unusual sharpness.

"What happened to our discussion at the Lake, more than a month ago?" Remus asked finally.

Sirius sighed and made the familiar, brisk motion of shaking his hair out of his face, forgetting that it was too short for this. "I wasn't lying."

"But you went back to avoiding me and acting like Ophelia's the only person in the world," Remus noted.

"I can't help it, Lupin, and for Merlin's sake, I told you I'm just terribly confused about this entire thing," Sirius snapped. "I can't even figure myself out."

"You don't need to," Remus said anxiously, wishing there was something he could do to calm his friend, but afraid if he so much as moved, Sirius would bolt like a startled deer. "Just…let me help…"

"I can't," Sirius exhaled heavily. "You're part of the problem."

_Part? _Remus wondered.

"You actually _are _the problem. Here I was, thinking that life was great and girls were great and I was going to have a great time at Hogwarts and…now there's you…I don't believe I've ever been so troubled and so glad about the same thing before."

_So he does understand._

"And believe me, if things were easier, if I had figured everything out, you'd have your wish in a second…"

'_But…'_

"But it's not all daisies and sunshine and life's-perfect-cause-we're-meant-to-be, Moony, as much as we'd both like it to be."

_Don't you understand, I don't _care _how hard it is, I just want you to be mine…_

Sirius gazed bleakly at his friend, who had slumped over in his chair, unmoving. "You know what I mean, don't you, Moony?"

_I also know that you're the one I want to be with, you're the one I think of all hours of the day, you're the one who knows me better than I know myself, who can always guide me._

"Sirius," he faltered. "I…I want to be with you." Again he cursed how he fumbled with words at the most untimely moments. "I don't care what else happens."

"Do you know what they'd say?" Sirius demanded angrily.

"Yes—but—"

"_No_, Remus, have you _really_ thought about what would happen if people knew? How we'd be treated? Do you think about it with dread in the pit of your stomach falling asleep every night as I do? A feeling of paranoia that never goes away?"

_Why does it matter if they hurt us?_

Remus stepped back from the force of the words and tempestuous grey eyes. "Then…it's not worth it." He tried to keep the pathetic disappointment from marking his tone.

Sirius, who had been about ready to explode seconds before, suddenly sighed and slumped in defeat. "No. That's the catch. I can't ignore it. I can't ignore you."

Remus was treading a fine line between winning the argument and really pushing Sirius over the edge in anger. He couldn't choose words to say for fear they would all come tumbling out and Sirius would hate him, think he was pathetic, never speak to him again…

"So you're scared," Remus said quietly, circling around Sirius.

"You would be too, if you had any sense," Sirius retorted with a scowl.

"Who says I'm not scared?"

Sirius snorted derisively. "Moony, you're never afraid. You've never really feared anything in your life."

In his mind, Remus saw the unbidden image of an ominous full moon, great and forbidding like an unblinking eye. Sirius saw his expression and softened. "Other than that. Not that, Remus."

"Are you being serious?" Remus fought to keep the intensity from his voice, but he lost the battle. "I'm afraid of everything. I'm just as afraid as you are. And you're the one who's brave here; you're always going off with James, doing some foolhardy stunt or prank, and I've just stood there watching, always afraid to involve myself. Always afraid. You're the brave one."

"No," Sirius said softly. "You're not afraid of yourself."

The tide changed – Sirius retreated, suddenly fettered by doubt and fear, and Remus became the strong one. Unbending. He was tired of hiding what he wanted. He was tired of having no good reason to give up except because it would be hard, or make them regret it, even though he knew it would be worth it.

_I don't want this to be just another unfinished dream, _Remus thought.

He crossed the room in three strides and stopped close to Sirius. The other boy's shoulders were hunched, his face angled and turned away from Remus, so that he could only see the right side, with hazy grey eyes that looked determinedly in another direction, a patrician nose, dark hair barely grazing his cheekbone, refined features of his face lit by the scant light… With the few inches of height Sirius held over his friend, Remus looked up at him and thought he looked beautiful and grim, illuminated with grey light from the cloudy sky outside.

He thought, in that moment, perhaps he spoke Sirius' name; or Sirius murmured his. But it didn't matter. In the next minute his hand was sliding around Sirius' neck, thumb pressed firmly into the spot below his ear where he could feel the pulse beating, and their lips met. For a fleeting instance, at first, then Sirius turned towards Remus and kissed him again, sweetly, clingingly.

"You matter," Remus said, in a tone that was sad and determined both at once, "Nothing else."


	8. Exposed

Note: A new installment, my apologies for the long wait. What would help me write more of this is if I got alot of reviews :) Criticism welcome. This story is likely to lose alot of its humor, as we have several dark events in Marauders history approaching. But what I wanted to say was that I posted a new SiriusxRemus called "Brothers on a Hotel Bed" that only has one review, so far, from one of my favorite people of course. But I really think it's some of my best and those at Mugglenet liked it quite alot so I would be honored if any of you reading this would review that as well; I promise it'll only waste a few minutes of your time. Thank you and enjoy.

Chapter Eight: Exposed

_I don't know about you but I swear on my name they could smell it on me_

_I've never been too good with secrets, no…_

- Death Cab

"She says she wants things to get serious," James announced moodily that night to the small and generally uninterested audience in the Gryffindor common room.

Remus, ever the faithful listener, glanced up and replied, "You didn't say you loved her back, did you?"

"No," James shot back testily, dropping into an armchair with a huge sigh. "But every time I try to avoid it she tells me not to be 'afraid to fall in love'. The only thing I'm afraid of is her treating me like her husband, like I should cater her every wish!"

"Well, you are her boyfriend."

"I never said I was," said James contemptuously. " 'Going out' doesn't imply that I'm her _boyfriend_, per say."

"And yet, she's your girlfriend."

"Exactly." James nodded, then after a brief pause heaved a sigh and buried his face in his hands. "Idiot, idiot, idiot, Evans will probably never talk to you again."

"She talked to you today," Remus said absently, his eyes fixed on Sirius, who was occupied with Ophelia in the other corner. When they'd talked earlier that day, Sirius had told him that he really wasn't trying to hurt Remus, that Ophelia could never measure up to him, and that it was all Sirius' fault for being so confused. Although Remus had to doubt this promise when Sirius had spent half the evening with Ophelia already. He didn't want to have to compete with her – she was beautiful, clever, and if Sirius really did prefer her, then Remus would have to bow out without putting up a fight. But watching the way he touched her, the expression as he spoke to her quietly—Remus was torn between hope and a nameless emotion he would've labeled jealousy if there wasn't so much pity in his heart for Ophelia. She had no idea.

"Moony—_what _in Merlin's name are you staring at?" James snapped his fingers in Remus' face.

"Nothing." Remus dragged his eyes away from Ophelia. "I don't know."

"Of _course_ you don't, mate. You look like I did when I first set eyes on the perfect, glorious Lily Evans…"

"Sorry Prongs, but the first time you saw Lily, you spilled her cauldron in Potions class on purpose."

"Nonsense. Why would I do such a horrible thing to the woman I love?"

"I find myself wondering why you do a lot of things. Torment us by existing, for one."

James cuffed him on the head and said, "No, but really, Moony. Every time I'm with you, you stare at Ophelia like she's the sun."

"People don't stare at the sun. They go blind."

"You know what I mean—like she's brilliant, radiant, gives you light."

Remus snorted. "Don't go all philosophical on me, Prongs, it doesn't become you."

"Does anything?" James continued, "You don't…like her, do you?"

"Like—who?" Remus asked, caught off guard.

"Ophelia."

"Oh—no. Of course not." The idea was laughable to Remus—in love with his rival?—but to James it just seemed like a weak denial of an obvious fact.

"Mm-hmm." James leaned back and locked his arms around his head. "You can tell me, you know. Or at least talk to Sirius about it. He'd be a lot more sensitive if he knew—"

"I don't" –Remus gritted his teeth– "like her. And I'm going to bed now before you nose around more into things you've no business with."

"Excuse _me_," James said loftily. "_I'm _your best friend. I've a right to stick my nose wherever the hell I want. I am the very paragon of a good secret-keeper. You should be paying me a salary to help with your problems."

"Right, well, why don't you practice your shrink capabilities on Camille over there, she's making a beeline for you," said Remus dryly. "Sweet dreams."

Did James know? Remus wondered as he tossed and turned in his bed, impatiently waiting for sleep to numb his thoughts. Did James know anything about him and Sirius? Or was he just making a blind guess about Ophelia?

These thoughts kept him awake long into the night, until Sirius finally came up to the dormitory and kissed Remus good-night before crawling into his own bed. It was this simple gesture that finally quieted his thoughts, and he drifted off to sleep.

:III:

"I am really not looking forward to this," Remus muttered as he and Sirius headed to their first class with Snape, Potions.

"Relax," Sirius said dismissively, "He can't harm us, the slimy-nosed wanker. Look, I'll go sit on that side of the room and you sit at the other, 'cos otherwise I'll spend the whole class period distracted by you, and we really want Padfoot to pass Potions, don't we?"

"Right," Remus said half-heartedly and slumped down in his chair, ignoring the smirk that Snape wore as he sat a few seats away.

The entire class period, Remus could barely focus on the teacher and the lesson. He couldn't get Sirius off his mind, for one; but he also dreaded Snape's confrontation. It was perhaps just paranoia, he supposed, but what Snape could've learned from that note, or what he could guess… It was bad enough, worrying constantly that people around him would draw their conclusions about him and Sirius, secretive as they were being, but to have the Marauders' worst enemy on their tail, too…

Once more, Remus found himself in unbearable envy of lovers who didn't have to hide things, who never tore themselves apart wondering if there was really something 'wrong' with them to make them this way, who didn't feel like every move and look was on display for everyone to judge. If only…

When the lesson was over, Remus was trying to push out of the classroom as fast as possible to avoid Snape, but he found himself trapped as one of the students accidentally spilled something right in the doorway, causing a hold-up so that the students all flocked around the door. Remus avoided looking at Snape, instead straining to see above the crowd of students what the cause of the delay was, but the Slytherin had other ideas.

It hardly seemed that two words were out of Snape's mouth before Sirius appeared, his wand held loosely at his side, grey eyes like flint as they passed over Snape, whose foul mouth was twisted into a sneer, then Remus, shaken and slightly pale. "Got a problem, Snivellus?"

Snape's eyes narrowed with utter loathing that Remus saw mirrored in Sirius' flashing eyes. "You were never one for subtlety, Black. Always flaunting yourself in everyone's faces like you're a king – you're no different than the rest of your family, no matter how much you say you are."

Sirius didn't flinch or speak a word, but Remus knew the insult had struck home from the tightening of his friend's jaw.

"I suggest you and your friend be on your way," Snape continued in the same condescending tone that was brimming with undisguised hatred. "We wouldn't want the rest of the…" He slid his eyes to Remus and smiled mockingly, as if he knew something. "The rest of the _pack_, to get upset, now would we? I know some of you have such _wolfish_ instincts."

:III:

"He knows," said Remus, more miserably than he had intended. "He knows a lot more than I thought he did."

"Nonsense." Sirius was pacing the room, his stride uneasy and agitated. "Dumbledore's always been careful about it. None of the students have any idea, except for us Marauders. They don't see you transform, they don't catch us running about the grounds, they don't have any idea."

Remus, sitting motionless on the edge of his bed, watched Sirius wander restlessly from one side of the room to the other. "Snape's a genius at the Dark Arts, Sirius. And it's been six years he's known me; he would have to be a complete idiot to not notice. The cycle of the full moon, the way sometimes you and the others call me Moony…"

Sirius snorted. "Who's to say he's _not _a complete idiot?"

"Sirius…" Remus pleaded.

"He has suspicions, nothing more," said Sirius, turning to face Remus. "Besides, you're under Dumbledore's protection – Snape can't touch you." But as soon as the words left his mouth, he knew it was just false hope.

"He can," Remus said softly. "He did today—"

"I won't let him!" Sirius began pacing again. "If there was some way to make sure he wouldn't--"

"My fellow Marauders, advocates of mischief and misbehaviour!" James expounded loudly as he and Peter made a dramatic entrance into the dormitory. "Myself, Prongs, and the illustrious Monsieur Wormtail have returned with much success and chocolate from the kitchen run. And we now invite you to join in our celebratory feasting." He dropped an armful of sweets, and as Peter did the same, James glanced up at the tense scene displayed before them. "Merlin's beard, Black, you look high-strung. Is there a cat around giving you trouble?"

Sirius flung himself onto his bed and muttered a one-word answer that Remus correctly interpreted to the rest of them as, "Snape."

"What's he doing, hexing you with more of his weird made-up spells? Just take his wand and shove it up his—"

"Is that shortcake?" Remus asked quickly, aware of the swiftly darkening expression on Sirius' face.

"Yeah, have some," said Peter with his mouth full, tossing some at his friend. "You know," he added after chewing and swallowing, "I don't think there will ever again be such a group of pranksters who know Hogwarts backwards and forwards so well."

"Nonsense, we've got to have successors," said James. "Hogwarts will always have mischief-makers. Perhaps not as scraggly a lot as we are—"

"Speak for yourself," Sirius said, pretending to take offense, and lifted his head from the pillow.

"And this from a scruffy mutt," Peter remarked with a smirk. Sirius scowled and flung a pillow at him playfully.

James shoved a Chocolate Frog at Remus, who accepted it gratefully. "Eat up, Moony, you're looking peaky." _Peaky _seemed to be the word they all used to describe him whenever his affliction was taking its toll.

"Full moon was only a few days ago," Remus reminded him. He bit into the chocolate half-heartedly, his mind on other things.

Standing perched precariously on the edge of his bed, James stated, "I have an announcement, my friends. I, James Potter, have come to an important conclusion."

"You're actually a girl?" Sirius suggested, sending Peter into fits of laughter and sparking a smile from Remus.

James plodded on. "I have decided to break it off with Camille."

There was a short fit of silence, then Remus said prudently, "Prongs, mate…we've been telling you to do that for months."

"Yes, well, to each his own."

"That made no sense," Sirius said, rather unhelpfully.

"Yes. Well. _Anyway_. Who has those cashew nuts?"

Within the next hour, the Marauders found various ways to entertain themselves. James and Peter constituted a game of Exploding Snap with two of the other boys in their dormitory, and Remus buried himself in a book, with Sirius' company. For this he was grateful: other people seemed to not tease him as much about his bookworm disposition when he had one of the most popular boys at Hogwarts sitting next to him and exchanging a few words every now and then. The only downside was, when Remus was beginning to really enjoy his book, Sirius tended to get bored or impatient and wanted Remus to run off and do something interesting with him. This time, though, he was mostly left to his peace. Until Sirius interrupted with an important observation.

"Your birthday's coming up, Moony," said Sirius quite suddenly, as if this was an abrupt realisation.

"Mm-hmm." Remus turned a page in his book absently. "Later this week."

"Seventeen's the big one, hmm," said his friend, who would not be seventeen until September that year.

"I s'pose. Not much to do for it, though. I already know what Peter and James are getting for me."

"You don't know what _I'm _getting you," Sirius said confidently.

"Because you haven't got anything yet."

"Says who?"

"I just know these things," Remus said with a slight smile. "I remember in fourth year when you forgot to get me a present, so instead you decided to convince the house-elves to wake me up at the crack of dawn that morning and sing to me and make me wear that ridiculous hat for the rest of the day."

"By the sound of it, I haven't been forgiven yet," Sirius remarked with a slight quirk of his lips.

"I kept the hat."

"Is that a sign of possible vengeance come September?"

"Quite likely."

"I'll remember that."

They lapsed into an easy silence once more until Sirius suddenly leapt to his feet, as if some abrupt realisation had struck him. "James! Did you see me bring my broom in after we played Quidditch today?"

James looked up over the sound of the explosions and shrugged, saying, "Nah, I think you forgot it when Charlie Torroner came up to ask us about our Transfiguration project."

"Damn it all." Sirius darted a look out the window; the sky was growing darker and darker by the minute. "I'm going out to get it before some foul Slytherin gets his hands on it."

"I'll go with you," Remus offered before anyone had time to realise the implications.

:III:

"What d'you want for your birthday?" Sirius murmured, bending to speak in a hushed tone in Remus' ear as the rest of his limbs were entangled with the other boy's. The forgotten broomstick had since been discarded on the floor outside the cramped alcove where they had concealed themselves.

"You know damn well what I want," gasped Remus. It seemed every time they had a few moments' worth of this, Sirius had discovered new ways to overwhelm him in the ways beyond Remus' imagination.

He felt Sirius smirk into the tingling, newly sensitive skin of his neck. "Well, I can't very well give you that, what kind of friend would I be if I gave you something you couldn't keep?"

"But I could always remember it. If it happened more than once."

Their entwined bodies shifted in the tiny, enclosed space.

"Sometimes I forget how naïve you are, Moony."

Remus kept quiet, letting his hands do the necessary communication as Sirius mused on this.

"We'll see," he said at last. "In the meanwhile, James and Peter probably think we've been thrashed by the Whomping Willow."

They straightened clothing, finger-combed each other's hair, and stepped quietly forth from the alcove, their footsteps turning back towards the common-room. After a moment's contemplation, Remus suddenly smiled with more abandon than Sirius had seen in a long time.

"What're you grinning about?" asked Sirius.

"Oh, nothing. Just, whatever you give me this year will be better than the house-elves and the awful hat."

Sirius smiled back and spread his arms. "Well, don't get your hopes up. Old habits die hard."


	9. The Birthday Kiss

**The Birthday Kiss**

Remus awoke the next morning, thanks to a rather noisy argument amongst his friends that had penetrated his sleep. As he sat up and yawned, he suddenly realized that sometime in the night, his bed had been decorated with long, trailing strips of… toilet paper?

"Sirius," he said dryly, though still half-asleep.

At the mention of his name, the person in question turned around and grinned innocently. "So, the sleeping beast awakens. Say, how do you like your birthday decorations?"

"They're lovely," Remus said with a touch of irony, "though as I remember, one is supposed to use ribbons and streamers, rather than toilet paper."

Sirius shrugged innocently and grinned. "I did my best."

"At least it was _clean _toilet paper," Peter put in, receiving a glare from Sirius.

"Happy birthday, mate," said James, elbowing past Peter and Sirius and rescuing the situation. "We were just discussing, er, plans. For this joyous occasion. But first, I think, breakfast."

The four trooped down to the Great Hall and sat down to break the fast. Remus was, of course, treated to a rousing chorus of _For he's a jolly good fellow_ that was initiated, and dramatically conducted, by Sirius. After the clamor had settled down, Sirius dropped into his seat and remarked on the pleasing tomato-ish hue spreading across his friend's face.

"Sadly, this year will not see a reenactment of the House-Elf Birthday Hat, but don't worry; I have far better plans," Sirius announced.

"I look forward to it," Remus retorted.

"The House-Elf Hat was nothing," Peter said solemnly, "compared to my humiliating fourteenth birthday."

"What did I do then?" asked Sirius innocently.

"You enchanted a pair of firecrackers to continuously explode over my head and shout 'Happy birthday!' all day long," Peter reminded him, not too fondly. "I couldn't get to sleep until past midnight, when it was not my birthday anymore."

"Ah, such brilliance," Sirius rejoined with a grin.

As they were discussing the ridiculous pranks Sirius had played on each of their birthdays before, Remus noticed that James had quite suddenly gone pale. "Prongs? Your breakfast disagreeing with you?"

James swallowed and whispered, "No." After a long pause, he said, "Look at Camille."

The other three slowly turned their heads to her table, where she sat staring unhappily at James, her eyes red and puffy, her complexion blotchy from crying.

"_Merlin_, James, what did you _do_?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" he protested. "Why is she _crying_? I've no idea! I've barely spoken to her the past few days – which might, come to think of it, have something to do with this, but how should I know?!"

"You'll find out soon enough," Peter noted. "It looks like she's coming over here."

With the anxious, wild-eyed expression of a deer about to bolt, James slowly rose from the table and met Camille halfway, where she pulled him aside to talk.

"Flowers?" suggested Sirius, as a possible remedy for their friend's unhappy predicament. "Chocolates?"

Remus shook his head. "I don't think anything would appease Camille at this point except perhaps a marriage proposal."

They watched, half amused and half distressed for James' sake, as Camille reproached him severely; it appeared she was alternating between tears and anger. Remus distinctly heard James defending himself: "I've had Quidditch practice a lot," as well as "time with my friends" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Not a wise move, Remus thought, wincing.

"I just don't feel like I'm your—" Camille complained before James interrupted to hush her loud protestations.

By this time, most eyes in the Great Hall were observing the affair with interest. Their bits of toast and eggs forgotten, the students watched with curiosity, amusement, or a mixture of the two, as the quarrel escalated – except for Lily, Remus noticed, who wore a thoughtful and puzzled expression. Perhaps her mind was on other things, but it certainly looked like she was paying attention to James and Camille's fight, although she didn't seem to care too much.

And suddenly, almost faster than anyone could notice, Camille's hand flew up as if to slap James; just as he recoiled, she lowered it just as quickly, seeming to have changed her mind. And somehow, while this disturbance was holding everyone else's attention, Remus' eyes found Sirius'. Grey eyes seemed to twinkle, and Sirius gave an almost imperceptible jerk of his head, leaned across the table, and whispered quickly, "Shrieking Shack. Tonight, after lights out." Remus barely had time to nod before James suddenly slid onto the bench beside him, his color high. "Can we get out of here, please? Before this gets any worse?"

"How much worse _can _it get?" Sirius asked as the four of them rose to their feet and began to make their way out of the Great Hall, but his question was soon answered.

Remus, who had been lagging behind a bit, was suddenly overtaken by Lily Evans, who had caught his arm and said breathlessly, "I wanted to say happy birthday, Remus. I've just remembered, it's today, isn't it?"

He nodded and glanced at James, Sirius, and Peter, who had stopped and turned around to wait for him. James, in particular, looked affronted by this sudden interruption from Lily. It looked like he was about to call out to her, but something stopped him and he just watched Remus and Lily with a strange expression on his face.

"Well, thanks, Lily," Remus said, bemused. "I mean, I—"

Before he could further express his thanks, Lily leaned over and kissed his cheek swiftly and said again, "Happy birthday, Remus."

He felt his entire face grow hot as she flashed a smile at him, determinedly ignored the shock that was quickly registering on everyone's faces, and moved away to sit with her friends again. Lily Evans had just kissed his cheek – Lily Evans, who was pretty, popular, and would probably never have noticed him if they didn't have Prefect duty together; but why, of all things, had she chosen to do this to him, who probably least appreciated it? She knew how James—

James. Remus whirled around to catch the expressions that were frozen on his friends' faces. Peter looked just as bewildered as Remus felt, and Sirius' reaction flickered between amusement and apprehension. But James… James was staring at Remus, his jaw dropped, looking all at once stunned, angry, and betrayed.

Remus swallowed heavily. He was not looking forward to the aftermath of this birthday kiss.


End file.
